Help He’s Got Secret Viagra | And Bussing It With Wayne Rooney

Jordan 0:01:19 Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas like, what should you do when your partner wants you to dress up as Doctor Who in the bedroom? Or how should you react when your guest tells you she's got a huge pimple on her puss?

William 0:01:50 Yes, that's a throwback to, uh, Tony and Ryan.

Jordan 0:01:54 And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usually agony ants, are we, William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert and West End star?

William 0:02:03 Uh, well, yeah, as of Yes, thank you, Jordan. Hopefully. No, we're not Jordan North, Capital Radio show presenter, Soccer Aid person, whatever. Player. Player, that's the word I was searching for. I'm more holding midfielder. You're more left back in the changing room. That's from Brad.

Jordan 0:02:19 Very good.

William 0:02:21 Very good. I don't really understand any of that, but I did it anyway. Look, we've got ice.

Jordan 0:02:26 I've got an ice bucket. Yes. Or is it bouquet?

William 0:02:29 It's bouquet. Oh gosh, it's all frozen together.

Jordan 0:02:32 Do you need tongs there? Or would you pinchers, as they're called in my house? Would you like to see some tong action? Yes. Told the widgie pinchers story to the Capital crew recently.

William 0:02:39 Sorry, what is widgie pinchers?

Jordan 0:02:40 'Cause obviously, I'll show you. So it sounds weird.

William 0:02:45 I mean, what can you do with that? I mean, look at that. It's basically an iceberg.

Jordan 0:02:49 Sink the Titanic with

William 0:02:50 that one.

Jordan 0:02:51 Yeah.

William 0:02:52 We just did the same joke.

Jordan 0:02:53 Yeah, I know. We've been doing that for 8 years, babe. Fine. Widgie pinchers, I told you this. It's what they call in my house.

William 0:02:59 Okay.

Jordan 0:03:00 'Cause my dad used to make us a bacon butty on a Saturday morning.

William 0:03:03 Right.

Jordan 0:03:04 And then we'd be in kitchen and he'd pretend to grab your widgie. And we'd all run round and go, winchie pinchers!

William 0:03:09 Can we add that again to the list for therapy?

Jordan 0:03:10 Winchie pinchers! And he'd grab your willy. And it weren't in a weird way. He wasn't like—

William 0:03:15 No, not weird at all!

Jordan 0:03:16 But sometimes he'd proper grab your cock, and you'd be like, ah, Dad, no! And he'd go, I got your winchie! Sounds weird, but that's why they're called winchie pinchers.

William 0:03:23 My father used to read extracts from Margaret Thatcher's autobiography.

Jordan 0:03:26 Well, there you go. Yeah. And look how we've both turned out.

William 0:03:28 Exactly.

Jordan 0:03:29 I've told the winchie pinchers story before, haven't I?

William 0:03:31 Possibly.

Jordan 0:03:32 They were called— And even now, when I'm making a barbecue, I'm like, someone pass me the wedgie pinchers, 'cause he'd pinch your wedgie.

William 0:03:39 Okay, well, that's lovely. This week's toast goes out to Anna, who says, I met William today in Sainsbury's, and he was bloody lovely.

Jordan 0:03:47 You were in Sainsbury's?

William 0:03:49 I know. I didn't at that point realise that if I turned right out of the rehearsal studio, there was a Waitrose. Turning left, there was a Sainsbury's. Thanks to him for taking the time to say hello. I wish I said thank you for being my comfort podcast in tough times. I always listen as well when I'm walking home late at night, as it brings me comfort. Also, he is very tall and handsome in real life. Well, that's barbed, isn't it? Where's all the clips, do you know? Bloody ugly. What a day. Good luck with Titanic. Titanic. Anna. That's lovely. Anna, you were lovely. I'm glad that we bring you comfort.

Jordan 0:04:23 I'd like to toast Anna and all the YouTubers that love our new studio as well.

William 0:04:27 Oh my god, we inundated with praise!

Jordan 0:04:29 Thank you to everyone. And I'm looking right at you on YouTube. All those lovely comments. Honestly, we love change too. You know, embrace change. So to all those lovely YouTube comments about the new studio, thank you. Thank you. Honestly, it's really helped us this week with everything else that's going on. Your comments have been just what we've all needed, so thank you.

William 0:04:51 He's being a wicked old tease. I am wearing blue just to break up some of the large expanses of red.

Jordan 0:04:56 You'll never win. You'll never win.

William 0:04:58 I think, look, you know, we are aware of a couple little things that we need to tweak. What? Just, we—

Jordan 0:05:04 It's fine.

William 0:05:04 In the next coming weeks, we'll just see some little tweaks.

Jordan 0:05:07 Nobody likes change. It's like when they— can you remember back

William 0:05:09 back in the day, you know, I was in sixth form, so it must have been 2006, 2007, where— One for the kids. And they redid the BBC Breakfast studio, and it was all the clouds, and it literally lasted a month. And I actually thought it looked really good. It was a red sofa and clouds, and then they changed it to orange squares. I'll find— I will find these photos. We'll put it on the carousel.

Jordan 0:05:37 Well, I—

William 0:05:38 We're not changing this ever.

Jordan 0:05:39 I can confirm we're not changing this. We all love it.

William 0:05:41 No, this'll see us out.

Jordan 0:05:42 Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

William 0:05:45 Anyway, how the dickens are you?

Jordan 0:05:46 I'm good.

William 0:05:47 Let's talk about Soccorade.

Jordan 0:05:49 Well, I want to talk about Titanic.

William 0:05:51 Well, shall we toss for it?

Jordan 0:05:52 Uh… We'll go— you decide.

William 0:05:56 Let's talk about Soccorade. Let's work in descending levels of butchness, and we'll start with Soccorade. How was it for you?

Jordan 0:06:05 I know it sounds corny, but probably one of the best weeks of my

William 0:06:07 life. Oh!

Jordan 0:06:07 It was so— what with the Toy Story premiere.

William 0:06:10 Yeah.

Jordan 0:06:10 So I was like pretending to be a movie star. I felt like Salt Bae at the World Cup. You know when Salt Bae just turned up at the World Cup and he was like at the end celebrating with Argentina?

William 0:06:19 No.

Jordan 0:06:20 Was it Argentina, that one? It was, weren't it? No. And everyone's like—

William 0:06:23 And pouring salt down your arm is such an ick.

Jordan 0:06:25 And everyone's like, what are you doing here? And he was just there. He's not even Argentinian. Um, so we get to the red carpet and all the cast are on there, like, um, Tim Allen, Tom Hanks, John Cusack. Yeah. Yeah, Greta Lee, they're all on there. And then they're like having the picture and they're like, oh, George, Sean, you jump on. I was like, no, no, you're all right. I was like, look, it looked like when Ashley Cole had that picture taken with Chelsea, you know what I mean, don't you?

William 0:06:51 No.

Jordan 0:06:52 Yeah, so I was like— but it was a wonderful experience, great.

William 0:06:55 Oh.

Jordan 0:06:56 And then I went and Drove to Sucker 8. Yeah. And yeah.

William 0:07:00 And that was at Wembley?

Jordan 0:07:01 That was at the London Stadium, but we trained in—

William 0:07:04 Where's the London Stadium? Is that Arsenal?

Jordan 0:07:06 West Ham. West Ham. Hi guys. Hi guys. Hello. Hi. East London. East London. So London Stadium, where West Ham play, where the Olympic Stadium was, where the Olympics were.

William 0:07:15 Oh, okay, right.

Jordan 0:07:15 Yeah, so we played there, but the week was just great. It's very nerve-wracking going down on the first day for breakfast.

William 0:07:22 Okay.

Jordan 0:07:23 And all the teams being there and you're like, who'd you sit next to? I had a little trip.

William 0:07:26 Who did you sit next to?

Jordan 0:07:27 Oh, he's a diamond. Yeah, all right, Jules. Danny Dyer sounds a bit like Producer Ben's dog, Diego. Yes. You sit here,

William 0:07:34 you little— Yeah, but can I just say, Producer Ben's dog Diego is camp. I don't think you want to do a camp impression of Danny Dyer.

Jordan 0:07:39 He said, you sit here, you little sult. That's what he said, he said, how are you? And I've only ever interviewed him on the radio, so he kind of took me under his wing a bit, and Paddy McGuinness. And he was, yeah, and he's Danny Dyer off the telly, he's exactly the same. At breakfast, he's just in the queue, and he's serving himself, and he goes, have a bit of that, slap a bit of that on me tickle, want a bit of that? What do you think of that, sweetheart? And he's like, yeah, a bit of sausage, bit. Oh, it's exactly like he is IRL.

William 0:08:04 Must be exhausting.

Jordan 0:08:05 So it's great. Did, uh, training.

William 0:08:08 Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:08 Lovely. It was amazing. Just, you just walk around in, in the training kit thinking you're a footballer.

William 0:08:14 And can I ask—

Jordan 0:08:15 Who's the longest in the shower?

William 0:08:16 No.

Jordan 0:08:18 Okay, because I'm not going to confirm.

William 0:08:19 When you say who's the longest in the shower, we're talking about length of how long you were in the shower or length of something else?

Jordan 0:08:26 See, you've just ruined a football joke there.

William 0:08:27 Oh, have I?

Jordan 0:08:28 Because that's what you— that's what footballers always get asked.

William 0:08:30 Oh, who's the longest in the shower? And you never know, do they mean did he take

Jordan 0:08:33 The longest, or— yeah, so it's a soccer AM joke.

William 0:08:37 I should get into football. Yeah. Question for you, which is my standard question to sound interested in football. What was your score on aggregate?

Jordan 0:08:45 We didn't have aggregate.

William 0:08:48 Did you not?

Jordan 0:08:49 I thought every game counted. I don't even think aggregate's a thing now. Yeah, we won, by the way.

William 0:08:56 Yes, I know that. Well done.

Jordan 0:08:57 Thank you. Thank you.

William 0:08:59 And how many goals did you

Jordan 0:09:00 score? I didn't score any goals. Oh, okay. But I got a good block in, I like to think. Did you watch it, guys? Yeah, Ben, what do you think of the performance?

Ben 0:09:06 I think you were really good.

Jordan 0:09:08 I did all right.

Ben 0:09:08 You get stuck in. I got stuck in. You were tight, you had a couple of tidy passes. I wanted to, I wanted to see more of you.

Jordan 0:09:15 I wanted to stay on.

Ben 0:09:16 Yeah.

Jordan 0:09:16 I didn't want to go off, I only played 23 minutes.

William 0:09:18 Oh.

Jordan 0:09:19 But everyone's gotta have a go, you see.

William 0:09:20 Yeah, okay.

Jordan 0:09:21 So everyone's got to play, but I did all right because it was my first one. I'd love to be called up again. It was, I mean, on the way there, I get on because I'm faffing with my hair, so I get on the coach Everyone's got their seats. The only seat left, Wayne Rooney. Wow.

William 0:09:36 Wazza. Someone who can't faff with his hair.

Jordan 0:09:38 And when I first met— so I'd been trying to play it—

Ben 0:09:40 He can now.

William 0:09:41 Can he? Yeah, okay. I thought they all fell out. What? Okay, carry on.

Jordan 0:09:45 I'd been trying to play it cool all week, and when I first met Sinem, I was like, do I call him Wayne or Wazza? Do I—

William 0:09:51 I went, Wazza!

Jordan 0:09:51 That's what he's known by, his teammates, his football team. I went, all right, Wazza. I said, Wayne, I'm Jordan. He went, aight, lad. Anyway, so I sat next to him at, um, Isn't he a manager

William 0:10:01 now?

Jordan 0:10:02 Yeah.

William 0:10:03 Yes. For

Ben 0:10:03 who? Well, out of work.

Jordan 0:10:05 Well, he's not working at the moment. I think Plymouth was his last job.

William 0:10:08 Okay,

Jordan 0:10:09 fine. Sat next to him, tried to play it cool, ended up just saying— so I'm on my phone, he's there, and I go, you know, uh, World Cup 2006? He's like, yeah, yeah. I said, in RE, our RE teacher, um, made us all say a prayer so your metatarsal would be all right for the game. And that was the first thing I said to him, and he went All right, and he laughed and then I kind of broke the ice.

William 0:10:32 And was his metatarsal then okay?

Jordan 0:10:34 Yeah, it did, yeah.

William 0:10:35 Did it heal? So your prayer.

Jordan 0:10:38 I think our prayer, but it's great, it's a great experience. I said to him at the end as well, I went up to him 'cause he's genuinely, him and Beckham were like my favourite England players. I was like, Wayne, am I all right? I know you get pestered, but you all right to sign this for me cousin, our Paul, and my best mate, Rick, they're big fans. He went, yeah, that's all right. He's lovely, he's proper sound, he went, yeah, no problem. And I went, I've been trying to play it cool all week, Can I just say, it's been an honour to play on the same pitch as you? And I said, Paddy McGuinness, sir. And he went, play it cool, old mate. You've been following him around like a fucking shadow. All lads love that. So yeah, it's good. It's fantastic. Wonderful experience.

William 0:11:17 I can see, yeah. And do you get to keep the shirts?

Jordan 0:11:18 Get to keep it all. Got it all, yeah. Got 2 shirts, got the sliders. I've been walking around with socks and sliders all week 'cause I'm a footballer now.

William 0:11:26 Are you gonna be one of those sort of, ask me about being in Soccer Aid sort of people? Yeah. So how's rehearsals

Jordan 0:11:30 going for Titanic?

William 0:11:32 Well, I do actually have a follow-up question about football, but we can do that now, or we can come back to it.

Jordan 0:11:36 No, ask me now.

William 0:11:37 And genuinely, this is something I was thinking about a while ago, and I wrote it down in my phone, and I thought off the back of Soccer Aid, it's the time to ask. And this is— by the way, I'm not leading up to a bit here. I was actually genuinely— it went through my head. Do goalkeepers ever score goals?

Jordan 0:11:51 It's been known. Not really. Sometimes they'll go up if it's last minute, they'll go up for a corner. I think there probably would've been a goalkeeper that's maybe scored a goal this season, but it is very rare.

William 0:12:02 Okay.

Jordan 0:12:03 Yeah.

William 0:12:03 When— can you think of an example?

Jordan 0:12:05 Was it Schmeichel was quite a famous one, I remember as a kid.

William 0:12:09 Schmeichel? Is that like Shamone?

Jordan 0:12:12 No, Schmeichel. Peter Schmeichel.

William 0:12:14 Oh, Peter Schmeichel?

Jordan 0:12:16 Schmeichel.

William 0:12:17 No, Schmeichel.

Jordan 0:12:18 No, it's Peter Schmeichel, right?

William 0:12:19 It's not Peter Schmeichel! The one I know is Peter Schmeichel.

Jordan 0:12:22 It's Peter Schmeichel.

Ben 0:12:24 It's Schmeichel.

Jordan 0:12:25 It's Schmeichel. It is, trust me. How am I being corrected on football players by him?

Ben 0:12:31 Schmeichel.

Jordan 0:12:32 It's Schmeichel.

Ben 0:12:33 You're mixing up Schumacher and Schmeichel.

Jordan 0:12:35 No, it's Peter Schmeichel. And he's— what was his son called?

Ben 0:12:39 Kasper.

Jordan 0:12:40 Kasper Schmeichel played for City.

William 0:12:42 No, it's not.

Jordan 0:12:43 Anyway, there was a— I'm sure he scored a header once.

Ben 0:12:47 There was a goalkeeper this season who scored a last-minute winner for Exeter versus Stockport.

Jordan 0:12:54 Okay.

William 0:12:54 The

Ben 0:12:55 96th-minute equaliser.

William 0:12:56 From the goal?

Jordan 0:12:57 No. He got it off a corner.

William 0:12:59 That's what I mean. No, no, no. I mean, we can all do it if we— well, if we go near the goal, but from goal to goal.

Ben 0:13:05 That has happened, because it has happened to Stoke City, my beloved team, and Asmir Begović scored against—

William 0:13:11 Who?

Ben 0:13:12 Everton, yeah. Who?

William 0:13:14 Exactly.

Ben 0:13:14 But he did score from— he booted it. It was a particularly windy day, and it blew it into the net. Over the keeper's head.

William 0:13:22 Well, that's it. That's all I have to ask.

Jordan 0:13:23 Go on then, Titanic. So at the time of this episode going out, you'll be on stage getting ready for your first show. Getting ready.

William 0:13:29 We'll be having our second dress rehearsal in the afternoon, and then we do the first show Tuesday evening. Alright. Nervous but excited.

Jordan 0:13:38 Tense?

William 0:13:38 Yes.

Jordan 0:13:39 But you've been wonderful to be around these past couple of weeks.

William 0:13:41 I actually have been. Thank you very much. I'll have it be known, but my husband will back me up. I've been very relaxed.

Jordan 0:13:48 Good. You're gonna smash it.

William 0:13:49 Well, bless you. Thank you very much. And thank you to all the lovely GNDers that have messaged to say they've booked tickets. I very much appreciate that. I'm in it for 6 weeks only. So if you don't come and see me by the 19th of July, miss it, miss out.

Jordan 0:14:00 I'm gonna come when you want us to come. So you just tell me a date and I'll be there.

William 0:14:04 20th of July.

Jordan 0:14:04 Is that the last show? Is that when you're off?

William 0:14:08 Yeah. No, you can come whenever. Okay. So you literally surprise me, don't surprise me. There are, depressingly, members of the cast who are very keen for you to come.

Jordan 0:14:19 Oh, really? Yeah. Who?

William 0:14:23 I won't say. I'll introduce you.

Jordan 0:14:26 Oh, okay. Oh!

William 0:14:27 Don't get excited.

Jordan 0:14:28 How do you do, Jordan?

William 0:14:30 Why are you offering your hand out?

Jordan 0:14:32 I don't know, 'cause it's Thespian, innit?

William 0:14:34 It's what? Thespian. Thespian?

Jordan 0:14:36 Jim Michael Thespian.

William 0:14:38 I think we know after 8 years and a couple of months of this podcast, you can't pronounce words.

Jordan 0:14:43 But you're ready for it.

William 0:14:44 I am ready for it. And I was low-key— I wasn't really embarrassed, I was quite flattered— in rehearsal, last week when we were rehearsing near where I met Anna in a rehearsal studio. And Louis, our wonderful director, said— we were about to do a scene, and she went, can I just stop everyone? Can I just stop everyone? I'd just like to embarrass this person particularly, but it is phenomenal. William Hanson has a fantastic bevel. To which I think I turned to either Cameron or Josh and went, what's a bevel? Because I hadn't known. And it's just the sort of the very butch and manly way that you put your foot. Mm-hmm. And so I shall— I'm working in a bevel.

Jordan 0:15:22 What the hell's a bevel?

William 0:15:23 Would you like me to show you a bevel?

Jordan 0:15:25 Didn't I used to have them at halftime at the football? Show us a bevel. Oh, you stand like that all the time!

William 0:15:33 I know, that's why I've got a fantastic bevel.

Jordan 0:15:35 It's just a very camp stand.

William 0:15:37 It's a dance move, actually. Describe it.

Jordan 0:15:42 It's your toes pointed and looks proper.

William 0:15:45 Yeah, and my thing's at an angle.

Jordan 0:15:47 There's your bevel. Right, put your bevel away, you little slope. Come on, sit down. Hey, look,

William 0:15:52 I was in a room full of, you know, professional dancers and people that know what they mean. I was very flattered.

Jordan 0:15:56 I want to give you a bit of a pep talk, right? All right, love, because a few of our friends, uh, and we've got a lot of close friends, and our sassy American agent Glenn— can we call him that?

William 0:16:05 Your words.

Jordan 0:16:07 Has also said—

William 0:16:10 Your sassy former agent.

Jordan 0:16:11 That we— that you were a bit nervous, so You've got this, right? Thank you. You were born to do this. Just be yourself. You brought the house down on tour. Aw. This is gonna be absolutely fine. And if you mess it up, don't worry.

William 0:16:26 It's only 6 weeks.

Jordan 0:16:27 It's only 6 weeks, and hopefully I'll get a call-up.

William 0:16:29 Yeah, well, you probably will.

Jordan 0:16:30 So, you've got this. Thank you. Seriously, you'll be fine.

William 0:16:33 Oh, bless you. Well, thank you very much. Um, it's, it's, it's genuinely, it's lovely. It's the, the whole cast, the crew, gorgeous people. I am, if nothing else, If they do— if I do one show and they decide, no, not for the show, I've had a lovely time in rehearsals.

Jordan 0:16:47 And you've been on the West End. You'll love it. You'll love it.

William 0:16:50 Well, thank you.

Jordan 0:16:50 Hey, also, before Sucker Aid and Toy Story and everything, I was in Amsterdam.

William 0:16:54 Yes, how was that? How was waffle making?

Jordan 0:16:56 Oh, I had a face like a slapped arse. I absolutely bloody loved it. I've got pictures. On a scale— I will go on the carousel. I've got pictures. I've got pictures.

William 0:17:05 On a scale of sort of 1 to escape room in Leeds, where were you in terms of your moodiness?

Jordan 0:17:12 I never— I've never liked escape rooms.

Ben 0:17:14 Gordon doesn't like trying new things.

Jordan 0:17:16 No, I don't like escape rooms. You're there, right? And it's like, we had a bit of a— when we were on tour years ago, we decided to go to an escape room. We actually recorded an episode that never went out.

William 0:17:24 No, because you tripped over the Zoom recorder and the batteries fell out and we lost half the episode.

Jordan 0:17:28 Anyway.

William 0:17:30 And then proceeded to lie on the floor whilst Ben and I tried to sort of get there, pretend to be pirates.

Jordan 0:17:34 And we had some 19-year-old student going Ooh, I'm like, you're from bloody Bradford. It's part of the fun. Welcome to the Escape Room Leeds. Are you ready to board the ship? I was like, fucking shoot me now. Uh, but I, I was a very similar, uh, attitude, faced like a slapdash. Got to waffle making, um, it's pretty much all done for you. I still managed to mess it up. All you have to do is put water in, but I managed to get the wrong measurement of water. Yeah, absolutely loved it. The, the girl who did the course was very sassy, very Dutch.

William 0:18:05 Did you use a waffle maker? Are you just basically pouring a batter? No,

Jordan 0:18:08 Oh, you'd make your own and you keep rolling and kneading it and stuff, and then you put your toppings on. It was great.

William 0:18:13 And did you get any nice toppings?

Jordan 0:18:15 Yeah, 2. It was very good. I was fuming though, 'cause the cleaner in the hotel binned it the next day. It was in a bag.

William 0:18:22 Oh.

Jordan 0:18:22 So I only had half of it, but it was great. Amsterdam is a beautiful city, by the way.

William 0:18:27 I said this to you. It was, in a way, not your first time, 'cause you went there on the stag do, but your first time properly.

Jordan 0:18:32 I think it's up there with Spain for me. I can imagine myself living there. There's loads of great restaurants. The food's great.

William 0:18:38 Literally said this 2 weeks ago.

Jordan 0:18:39 The canals. It's a— Gene viewers, if you're listening and you can get some cheap flights out there, it's only a hop, skip, and a jump. Get yourself to Amsterdam. A couple of problems.

William 0:18:49 What?

Jordan 0:18:51 Just a few things I want to flag up.

William 0:18:53 With the Dutch, or just you and your trip?

Jordan 0:18:56 With the— with my trip.

William 0:18:58 Okay,

Jordan 0:18:58 so walked into one bar and it was like a little hatch, and we got there and thought, oh, this looks fun. There's a few mates, get there and Strip to boxers. I was like, ah. So I'm trying to haggle with him going, don't really do that, pal, can I just undo my shirt a bit? Strip to boxers. So that was— avoid certain places like that.

William 0:19:18 Okay.

Jordan 0:19:18 Walk past this vibe, really vibey bar.

William 0:19:21 Yeah, and when you say vibey bar, what do you mean?

Jordan 0:19:23 Like loads of people outside, everyone looked cool, everyone looked like—

William 0:19:27 You had lovely weather.

Jordan 0:19:28 Really fit. Yeah, so I walked out And so I walked past it, and I'd only had 2 drinks by then. Walked in, yeah, and I was like looking for a bar, and this guy was like, excuse me, how are you? And I was like, who are you? Who's asking? He was like, this is my house. So I'd walked into someone's front room, right? I didn't realise.

William 0:19:46 Because they live so close on the canal.

Jordan 0:19:47 They live so close on the canal, and they have people around at the weekends, and they all sit outside drinking. He's like, this is my house, get out my house. I was like, where's your bar? And I didn't really— because they're all— they all just sit outside with bottles of wine. I thought, oh, I'll go in, it's a really cool bar. I was like, whilst I'm here, can I use your piss? She's like, leave, please leave. So that was one issue. Uh, Anne Frank's Museum. You know, I've always wanted to go to Anne Frank. Yeah,

William 0:20:12 the house.

Jordan 0:20:12 The house. Yeah. And I've read the book in year 8. So I'm in the queue for like 20 minutes and she's like, tickets please. And I'm like, oh sorry, can I get tickets? She's like, it's a 6-month waiting list. But I really want to go, so next time I'm going to go, you've got to book it. Just any GNDers watching and listening, just make sure you get your tickets for the Anne Frank Museum in time. I just—

William 0:20:31 gosh, it's like Judith Chalmers is still with us.

Jordan 0:20:37 So yeah, other than that, wonderful city.

William 0:20:40 Yeah, good.

Jordan 0:20:41 So just if you're gonna go, because make sure you get your tickets. And then we're gonna go to Van Gogh— Van Gogh Museum.

William 0:20:47 Van Gogh, yeah.

Jordan 0:20:48 You can see it on the internet, can't you?

William 0:20:50 Well, I mean, you can see anything on the internet. Trust me, I know.

Jordan 0:20:54 So that's me. What else has been going on with you?

William 0:20:57 Well, I went to go and see, after a long— it was my Christmas present from Mikey. I went to go and see my biggest op, Paddington, in the West End. And obviously, I've got opinions about Paddington, because he turns up to anything. I was surprised he was even on the stage. Probably I just assumed he'd be busy turning up somewhere else. But no, he was there. It's a good musical.

Jordan 0:21:17 Is it?

William 0:21:18 It's a very good musical.

Jordan 0:21:19 You say that begrudgingly.

William 0:21:20 No, Act 2's too long. But other than that, it is a good musical. There was one bit— I don't wanna spoil it with anyone. I mean, it is the plot of the first film. So if you have seen the first film, I'm not ruining anything. But there's one bit where Mikey was in absolute floods of tears. And I went, no, Mikey, they have not just killed Paddington Bear in front of a room full of kids. Calm down. Alright? Okay, he isn't dead. I was proved right.

Jordan 0:21:45 Mikey cried.

William 0:21:46 Mikey was in absolute floods of tears. And I sort of got a little bit emotional at points, but I didn't cry like he cried, 'cause I knew that he wasn't gonna die. But the songs, there are a couple of good songs.

Jordan 0:22:00 Okay. When I come to watch you in Titanic, I'm gonna take a notepad and pen.

William 0:22:05 Oh god.

Jordan 0:22:05 And just make critiques. I'll be like, okay, second act, too long. I might just, when we make eye contact, I might just do a— When we make eye contact? You're gonna sit that far forward,

William 0:22:12 are you?

Jordan 0:22:16 Just blacked

William 0:22:17 something out. Jordan, you're joking! I've done 3 weeks of rehearsals. That's what Louis, the director, does. She sits there and I do something, and then I see her eyes go down. And she's like, I know I did my kickball change on the wrong foot. That's fine. I know I'm gonna get pulled up on that.

Jordan 0:22:27 Well, yeah, what's the—

William 0:22:28 I am struggling.

Jordan 0:22:29 What's your plinth? What's it called?

William 0:22:30 Bevel.

Jordan 0:22:31 Your bevel. I'll be keeping an eye on that.

William 0:22:32 No, I won't get any notes, negative notes on that.

Jordan 0:22:34 I might have a couple of things to say on them. I'll tell you later.

William 0:22:36 Right, well—

Jordan 0:22:37 Bevel, not Beverly.

William 0:22:39 There are lovely bits where— I will— where we all have to turn in the same direction, and there's a nice— generally, if the cast are having to turn to the right, I will go to the left. So you have your own little—

Jordan 0:22:53 Are you doing that accidentally on purpose?

William 0:22:55 No, I'm doing that completely accidentally.

Jordan 0:22:57 Okay.

William 0:22:58 But Louis has said to me, if in doubt, go to the right.

Jordan 0:23:00 If in doubt, go to the right.

William 0:23:02 Yeah.

Ben 0:23:02 Obviously, part of the reason why you got the role is 'cause of your—

Jordan 0:23:06 'Cause he's fab, and I won't have anything else said about our friend.

William 0:23:09 Oh, bless you, darling.

Ben 0:23:10 Thank you. The Kylie performance.

William 0:23:12 Well, it is actually genuinely— So I— When I got asked to do it, and they said, do you have any examples of you performing on stage? And I thought, well, I've got— Couldn't

Ben 0:23:25 possibly think of

William 0:23:25 anything. The Arena Tour.

Jordan 0:23:27 You dressed as Kylie Minogue.

William 0:23:28 So we clipped up me as Kylie, and you and me as our respective mothers. And— We, uh, we— I sent that to them and that, and then they offered off the back of that.

Jordan 0:23:39 That's amazing.

Ben 0:23:40 Well, I was going to say, actually, obviously, as, as that performance is, is now infamous, the Kylie, obviously a lot of people have seen it and they're reading it.

William 0:23:48 Yeah, she's back with her documentary.

Ben 0:23:49 Have you seen it?

William 0:23:50 I started to watch it the other day, yes.

Jordan 0:23:52 I need to watch that and Hulk Hogan.

William 0:23:54 Very similar.

Jordan 0:23:57 I do. They're on my documentary list.

William 0:23:58 I watched 20 minutes of episode 1 and then fell asleep.

Jordan 0:24:00 Oh, and Vinnie Jones as well. That'll be what I do this— I'm in a hotel tonight.

Ben 0:24:04 Well, I'd recommend Kylie. Brought me to tears.

William 0:24:06 Did it? Oh, I haven't got to anything emotional yet.

Ben 0:24:09 Well, there's lots of emotion to come, William.

William 0:24:11 Also, I've seen a clip where she was talking on a radio station. They asked her what was her most sort of— what costume would she like to wear again the most? And she talked about the blue Showgirl costume, which is what I wore. And then she was saying, oh, it was very stiff and I couldn't move my neck, etc. Well, she wanted Clinton to design it for her, then she could have done, because I could.

Jordan 0:24:32 Hey, where is my Kylie costume? I want that back for memory purposes.

William 0:24:36 Halloween?

Jordan 0:24:36 Yeah. Where is that?

William 0:24:38 It's in a warehouse, I believe.

Jordan 0:24:39 Oh, it's in Manchester.

William 0:24:41 They will— they are ours, I believe.

Jordan 0:24:43 Yeah.

William 0:24:45 Yeah, Stuart is saying that he's got them and will reunite us with them at some point. Stuart's just using them for himself for a few weeks.

Jordan 0:24:51 Speaking of Kylie Paddington, guess which celebrity is a massive Gene Diva? But wasn't just saying it to be like, oh, I love your podcast.

William 0:25:00 Give me some clues.

Jordan 0:25:00 Genuinely. bumped into him this week.

William 0:25:03 Okay, give me some clues.

Jordan 0:25:03 In Global.

Ben 0:25:04 Waza.

Jordan 0:25:05 Not Waza. Amanda Holden. Not Amanda Holden. He was in the Global Building.

William 0:25:10 Are they a Global presenter?

Jordan 0:25:11 No.

Ben 0:25:11 Tom Holland.

Jordan 0:25:14 Spider-Man!

William 0:25:17 If only. Give me more clues. I don't actually, funnily enough, know who's been in the Global Building this week.

Jordan 0:25:25 Writer.

William 0:25:28 Of what? Russell T Davies.

Jordan 0:25:30 Yay! Genuine Gene Diva, and then sent me a lovely message. I was chatting to him for ages. He loves you.

William 0:25:36 Yes, I know. I did the wheel with him years ago.

Jordan 0:25:38 Oh, did ya? Oh.

William 0:25:40 Yeah, I know him and his boyfriend.

Jordan 0:25:42 He said he's— when he's next in London, I said we'll go for a drink with him.

William 0:25:46 Well, hello Russell.

Jordan 0:25:47 Yeah.

William 0:25:47 You can watch his new show Tiptoe on Channel 4.

Jordan 0:25:50 That's on my list. That video.

William 0:25:51 Yeah, that's on my list too.

Jordan 0:25:52 Kylie. Hulk Hogan.

Ben 0:25:55 You're either doing really butch or really not butch with that list, I feel.

William 0:25:58 Yeah, pick a lane.

Ben 0:26:01 Vinnie Jones, Kylie. What do

Jordan 0:26:03 you mean?

William 0:26:03 Well, you know, either do sort of lean into the campness or—

Jordan 0:26:08 The butchness.

William 0:26:09 The butchness.

Jordan 0:26:10 I like to broaden me horizons.

William 0:26:11 Right. Okay. Well, talking of broadening horizons, would you like to make us all roar with laughter with Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week?

Jordan 0:26:19 Yes, of course.

William 0:26:20 All right. Here's the jingle.

Speaker F 0:26:22 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

Jordan 0:26:39 Oi! All right, let me try and find them. It's been a while. I've got a few.

William 0:26:42 It has been a while.

Jordan 0:26:43 All right, this is from India. She says, I got fired from my job at the sperm bank recently, and I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

Jordan 0:29:56 All right, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. Uh, today's jolly joke is from India Dale. Who sent this one? I got fired from my job at the sperm bank recently. Apparently, I couldn't drink on the job. She also sent this cracker. India's nailed it. So we just found out that Grandad is addicted to Viagra. No one's taking it harder than Grandma.

William 0:30:22 Good jokes. Well done, India.

Jordan 0:30:30 Very good, India. Very good. No one's taking it harder than Grandma.

William 0:30:33 Yes, it's fun. Yes. Yeah.

Jordan 0:30:36 Now it's time, uh, for us to help you with your modern-day dilemmas. And remember, we have no idea what's coming up. So William Hanson, what have you got for us, please?

William 0:30:44 This is from Anonymous. Dear William, Jordan, EPB, and the wonderful Sex Ed team, I'm writing to you with an uncomfortable dilemma. I have a great relationship with my husband. We've been together for nearly 20 years. Our sex life has had its ups and downs, but generally it's been doing very well lately. However, I think I found out why. The other day— oh my God, it's as if we write this— the other day I found a bottle of Viagra Oh, I didn't know this.

Jordan 0:31:07 Genuinely.

William 0:31:07 No, we didn't. It was definitely placed out of the way somewhere I couldn't have been expected to find it. I'm feeling iffy about this. I feel like my husband and I have always been able to be open about things, but it also seems like he's been intentionally hiding his use of Viagra. I'm not upset that he's taking it. Things have been going very well in the bedroom. I just feel a little upset that it was kept secret, or maybe that he feels the need to hide it. My question is, do I bring this up and address it at some point with him? If so, what do I say? Or do I just ignore it, knowing that clearly it's something he feels self-conscious about? Thank you in advance for your advice and perspective. Or do you talk about yours? Joke.

Jordan 0:31:41 Nothing wrong with taking a Viagra.

William 0:31:43 No, he— I would say he does clearly feel a little bit conscious about it. I don't think— I think you can— I can understand why you would very easily go into the, oh my gosh, he's hiding something from me. What else is he hiding from me? spiral. I understand that. I think in this instance, it is— it's purely that he feels a bit self-conscious about it. He shouldn't, but he does. Because even though there is nothing wrong with taking Viagra if you need to take it for medical reasons, there is still a slight stigma around it. And I would imagine that is in his head and nothing else.

Jordan 0:32:18 Yeah. I'd address it, definitely. And say, look— and say what William said. There's no shame in it. I think that's probably why he's been hiding it, to be fair. So just, yeah, just address it and say there's no shame in it. All right,

William 0:32:32 yeah, find a way to talk about it. Um, but if he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to talk about it.

Jordan 0:32:37 I dropped one in me brew once. Yes. I mean, knob won't go—

William 0:32:44 It's the punchline is biscuit, isn't it?

Jordan 0:32:47 I mean, knob won't go hard, but my biscuit won't go soft.

Ben 0:32:52 How would you think you would start that conversation with the partner in a sort of— in a way that wouldn't embarrass the other half?

William 0:32:59 I've got a bit of a hard question for you.

Jordan 0:33:03 Very good.

William 0:33:04 Yeah. I don't know. Because you can't really admit that you've found it, because then it sounds like you've been snooping. Depends where you have found it.

Jordan 0:33:13 Is it true if girls get them, they get a wide-on?

William 0:33:18 On the basis that the girls in the studio have just reacted how they have reacted, I think the answer is no.

Jordan 0:33:22 I think we got told that in Year 10 or something.

William 0:33:24 Yeah, well, I think Year 10, probably not.

Jordan 0:33:27 Is a wide-on even a thing? No.

William 0:33:30 An unnamed member of the production team has just said, you want it tighter, not wider. This is from anonymous.

Jordan 0:33:39 Not a sex podcast.

William 0:33:40 Not a sex podcast. Dear William and Jordan and the Sex Ed team, I recently started listening to your podcast when I'm cooking, or occasionally in the shower. I've been struggling a bit recently This podcast always brings a smile to my face.

Jordan 0:33:50 You just smiled out of it. You just did.

William 0:33:53 I'm just being told by— I'm just being direct. Well, I take direction very well, actually, is what I've been told.

Jordan 0:33:59 Not from bloody us, you don't.

William 0:34:00 No, only by people that know what they're talking about. I bring to you a dilemma which I'm sure is shared by many other listeners.

Jordan 0:34:07 All right, don't take the piss, but do it your normal way. Go on.

William 0:34:10 I matched with a lovely gentleman on Bumble. He was tall, fit, had a Scottish accent, was my type, and emotionally intelligent. Or so I thought. It seemed like the perfect The only problem was that he worked in the military and I work shifts, so finding a time to actually have a date proved difficult.

Jordan 0:34:26 Oh, it is hard with military.

William 0:34:28 We continued to message regularly and shared plenty of photos, normal and cheeky. He then had a 9-month deployment. We'd already been chatting for around 3 to 4 months by this point. We agreed that once he returned, we'd finally go on a date and see if we were as compatible in real life as we were online. Cut to 9 months later, it's December. We've been talking throughout and he finally returns to the UK. I ask when he's available to go out and then he says, he ghosts me. Over a year of time and effort spent on this only to be ghosted, which I found quite confusing.

Jordan 0:34:56 That's a shit do, that.

William 0:34:58 As he didn't even get a shag out of it. My dilemma is this: do I get my frustrations out by sending him a rude message about how he wasted my time and that if he wasn't interested he could just have said so, or do I just cut my losses and try and move on? Another year older and still single. Anonymous.

Jordan 0:35:13 I— that's horrible though. For 9 months you're texting and messaging him, and then when he gets back He's— yeah, I'd send him a message. Usually I would say ignore it, but I think he deserves a shitty message, if I'm honest.

William 0:35:24 I would— okay. I would say do 2 things. One, write that message in the notes section of your phone or on a piece of paper.

Jordan 0:35:34 That's good advice.

William 0:35:35 Get it out your system, and then sit on it for a few days. Don't do anything, and then go back. Personally, I don't actually think sending that message will achieve anything. But if it— the only thing it would achieve is making you feel better. And if it's going to achieve that, send the message. But I think you can probably achieve the same results by writing it in the notes section of your phone.

Jordan 0:36:00 Write in the notes section of your phone, and then a few days later, when sober and perfectly fine, if you feel like sending it, send it. I would. No, no, writing stuff in your notes section's very—

William 0:36:10 Oh yeah.

Jordan 0:36:11 It's saved me many a job. Oh yeah. To be fair, it's the only reason why we're still doing this.

William 0:36:17 Yes, ditto. You are never going through that next section. Our next dilemma is— I'm joking! Our next dilemma—

Jordan 0:36:28 It's the Mind Your Own Tour rehearsals.

William 0:36:30 Oh, for God's sake! Our next dilemma is from Riley. Dear Sexton team, I'm a 16-year-old GNDVer, but I regret to admit it, I've been watching for many years. Arguably too young, but it's impossible to resist the weekly Too young to watch this. In September, I'll be in sixth form, and I want to commit to my goal of wearing a suit each day. The majority of students wear casual clothes, which could include grey joggers, t-shirts, and even crop tops. I want to defy this norm and channel my inner William Hanson.

Jordan 0:37:00 Was this Freddie from years ago? Is this just— is this Freddie that's sending this in? It's only just come through now.

William 0:37:05 Also, I need help from you both in deciding which method of storage I will use to bring my essentials to and from school. My initial thoughts were a briefcase.

Jordan 0:37:13 No, don't. We've seen the in-betweeners.

William 0:37:15 Because it seemed like the only acceptable form of luggage with my outfit. Thus, please could you both give me some guidance on which colour suit I should buy and how I'm going to carry all of my needs to and from school? May I add that Just Good Manners significantly helped me to put other people before myself and develop my confidence. So thank you, William. Kind regards, Riley. Well, Riley, you sound like a good egg.

Jordan 0:37:33 Yeah, Riley, you be you, pal, as well. Yes. So I love this. And if you're gonna go into college, sixth form in a suit, you do it. I'd recommend a navy one.

William 0:37:42 Yes, dark navy.

Jordan 0:37:45 Yeah. Also, you can get, uh, you can get, you can get some good, good suits from like Primark and that now. So I wore one, and just, just if it's a bit big, just get it tailored for £20, £30.

William 0:37:57 I would completely agree. Doesn't matter where you get it from, just having it. If, depending on— because some people can just wear suits off the peg and it doesn't, you know, they wear it beautifully. Most people need a little bit of a nip and a tuck.

Jordan 0:38:07 Let's get a nip and a tuck on it. It won't cost too much getting taken But then also, he's only 16, so he's gonna have a growth spurt. Uh, I, I wouldn't say briefcase. I mean, if you want to do a briefcase, that's cool, but not many people have briefcase now, so there's many alternatives. There's like shops you can use.

William 0:38:24 Right, I have some thoughts.

Jordan 0:38:25 Okay.

William 0:38:26 So, I love the fact you want to wear a suit. I think that's great and should be applauded, and I'm sure you'll look great in it wherever that suit is from, provided if you get it nipped and However, it does depend on what your sixth form dress code is. If you have got other people in t-shirts and grey joggers, you just have to accept that you are going to stand out. And whilst adults know that you are standing out for all the right reasons, people of your age, you are setting yourself up for a slightly more difficult time than you probably need. Now, if you're okay with that, that's absolutely fine. But I would perhaps find a middle ground. Maybe a nice relaxed jacket, an open-neck shirt, or you could wear it over a t-shirt if it needs to be a nice, good-quality t-shirt, and some smart trousers would be fine, perhaps. Maybe start with that. It also depends on whether you are going to this— is this the sixth form of your existing school, so you have existing relationships with people, or is this a new place that you're going to and you don't know anyone? And first impressions do count, so I would probably say, work up to the suit rather than starting with the suit. Personally, as someone who, you know, did wear quite a bold suit in my sixth form—

Jordan 0:39:44 What colour?

William 0:39:45 Chalk stripe. Grey and navy. Well, one was grey with a chalk stripe, one was navy with a chalk stripe. I remember Mr. Binns, a great inspiration to me, one of my English teachers, walking past me in assembly going, chalk stripe? bold, which I think I knew what he meant, but I committed to it. I just wonder if we can find a photograph. I'm sure we have a photograph.

Jordan 0:40:10 Anyway, yeah.

William 0:40:10 Let's find one. But just, you might just want a bit of an easy life because whilst you are there to, you know, wear whatever you want to wear, you are also there to learn, and anything that's going to distract you from learning or or put you in the wrong headspace, 'cause people are being a bit nasty to you, you perhaps just might want to build up to it, as I say.

Jordan 0:40:37 You be you, man. If you want to wear a suit, even better. Take— I'd say take the briefcase if you've got a brother that's older and harder. That was like me at school. Got away with murder.

William 0:40:46 I actually find briefcases impractical. So I wouldn't take a briefcase.

Jordan 0:40:52 Yeah, I do as well.

William 0:40:53 You can get a— if it's a soft leather briefcase. It's the very hard Freemason-y— Sort of briefcase.

Jordan 0:40:59 A soft leather one with a strap on.

Ben 0:41:00 A satchel, if you may.

William 0:41:03 A satchel.

Jordan 0:41:04 Yeah. That'd look cool.

William 0:41:05 I would do that. Or a canvas tote is fine.

Jordan 0:41:08 Do you think anyone ever said to James at school, oh, don't mess with him, he's William Hanson's brother?

William 0:41:13 Oh, I'm sure, yes. I mean, I'm sure James, you know, James got a really easy ride at school, 'cause, you know.

Jordan 0:41:19 'Cause he— I did as well. I was Ryan North's brother. Yeah, and then he joined the army at 16.

William 0:41:24 Ryan and I are very similar characters, to be fair.

Jordan 0:41:26 Yeah. He joined the army at 16, so yeah, 10, 11, I had to fend for myself. A lot of people got their revenge in Year 10. That's all I'm gonna say. Go

William 0:41:35 on. This is from Luke. Dear William, Jordan, EPB, and the Sex Ed team, I have found myself in a rather hairy situation. I've been getting my hair cut by a hairdresser called Rachel for over 5 years now. She's lovely, knows all my gossip, and generally does a decent job. However, recently she went on holiday, and her colleague Andrew stepped in to cut my hair. He did an amazing job, and my hair looked vastly better. So herein lies my hairy conundrum. Do I remain loyal to Rachel and continue receiving what I can only describe as perfectly adequate haircuts, or do I come clean and tell her I'm switching to Andrew despite the fact that he works for her? Am I overthinking this, or is changing hairdressers within the same salon the follicular equivalent of leaving your wife for her sister?

Jordan 0:42:12 Yes.

William 0:42:12 Your dilemma daddy wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Love the show, and I can't wait to see William in Titanic in June. Luke. Well, I'll be looking out in the audience for the person with an adequate haircut.

Jordan 0:42:21 I don't think you can. You could—

William 0:42:24 I don't think you can either.

Jordan 0:42:25 You could leave—

William 0:42:26 Leave the salon and go somewhere else.

Jordan 0:42:28 Leave the salon, yeah. Yeah, but Ollie, who does my hair, just before I went to Amsterdam, funnily enough, I couldn't, um, I couldn't get him in, so I had to go to somewhere near work, and he was fine with it. Like, it was, it was like—

William 0:42:40 At least you gave him first refusal.

Jordan 0:42:41 It's like having a relationship. He's like, it's fine, I want you to do this, like, you just get it done, it needs doing. Like, the texts we were sending each other, I've even got voice notes and stuff. Like, he's like, don't worry, tell him you want this. And at the end I was like, he weren't as, you know, he weren't as nice as you, he's a lot quicker, that kind of thing. He was quite rough and stuff. And then when he seen me, pretended to be cool, he went, oh, I mean, what, what's he doing? You're like a South American soccer player, is what he said. So I don't think you can cheat on Rachel, you've got to stick with her. But maybe just say, can I have it a bit more like this?

William 0:43:18 You could,

Jordan 0:43:19 but they'll do their own thing anyway, they never bloody Any hairdressers or barbers.

William 0:43:23 You could try to find out when your Rachel is next going on holiday. You know, that's the number one topic of conversation with hairdressers, is when you're next going on holiday, or if you've got any holidays planned. And then make sure you then keep booking with the other person over those times. And you might be able to sort of have them both, and sort of have a couple with him, couple with Rachel.

Jordan 0:43:41 When you go, you chat away, do you say, and how's Anne? Do you say that? 'Cause she obviously cuts Princess Anne's hair as well.

William 0:43:48 Princess Anne would go to the same salon, yeah. Yes. Do

Jordan 0:43:50 you say, has Anne been in this week? How is she?

William 0:43:53 The salon goes to her.

Jordan 0:43:54 Oh, oh. I was seeing Anne on telly the other week. Her bob looked cracking. Do you say stuff like that?

William 0:43:59 Well, I don't think the Princess Royal has a bob.

Jordan 0:44:01 No, you say, you know, I do look cracking.

William 0:44:03 Right.

Jordan 0:44:04 She's alright, Anne.

William 0:44:06 I actually— I was talking— yes, I do like the Princess Royal. I was talking about this with Mikey yesterday. When we lived in Manchester, my lovely hairdresser, Kate, who actually turns out was called Gemma— long story, but I called her Kate. She was in a salon in the city centre for years, and that's where I would go. And I'm making these figures up now. I would pay £40 or something for a haircut. And then in the last year of me living in Manchester, she moved to a salon in Droylesden, which, for those that don't know, is a city or a town outside of Manchester. So I would then drive to Droylesden and would have exactly the same haircut for £15. It's great.

Jordan 0:44:48 So— how'd you— so it's cheaper to get your haircut in Droylesden than Manchester?

William 0:44:53 Yeah. The city centre of Manchester versus Droylesden. But the hairdresser would say she moves salons.

Jordan 0:44:58 You're gonna bring the house down on that West End show, Phil, I tell you.

Ben 0:45:01 Can't wait to read the novel! You!

Jordan 0:45:03 Where the

William 0:45:05 hell

Jordan 0:45:07 was that going?

William 0:45:10 You little Judas in the corner.

Jordan 0:45:11 Can't wait to read the novel. That was a good one from you, Ben.

William 0:45:16 Thank you.

Jordan 0:45:17 Go on, do one more.

William 0:45:18 Our final dilemma is from JD.

Jordan 0:45:21 Vance.

William 0:45:22 You are going to regret that.

Jordan 0:45:24 That's gonna bite you on the arse, that one, mate.

William 0:45:27 And the rest. Dear William, Jordan, and the rest of the Sexton crew, I'm a long-haul truck driver, and your podcast has been a huge help in keeping me entertained on the road. I've been listening for a couple of years now, and I finally have a dilemma worthy of your expertise.

Jordan 0:45:41 Bring it to us, JD.

William 0:45:42 I'm a man who enjoys going to a massage parlour occasionally. Towards the end, the masseuse may offer me what we'll delicately call additional relaxation services. Is that a thing? During one such visit, I was receiving my weekend release, and in an effort to be polite and discreet, I tried to let the woman know that I was nearing completion. Not wanting to be loud, I whispered it. Unfortunately, she didn't hear me and leaned in closer at the exact worst possible moment. Before either of us could react, I had reached the point of no return and accidentally finished on her face and hair. So my question is this: what is the proper etiquette for warning a masseuse that one is about to reach climax without causing a truly unfortunate facial incident? Yours in shame and confusion, JD.

Jordan 0:46:25 I mean, I'm— the poor masseuse, but surely—

William 0:46:29 Well, if she's offering that, I mean, that probably is gonna happen.

Jordan 0:46:31 Yeah, and surely she should've known.

William 0:46:32 I would just say don't whisper. You

Jordan 0:46:34 know,

William 0:46:36 I've— I mean, I don't like massages because I don't like people touching me.

Jordan 0:46:39 But when you've tossed someone off, have you known they're gonna— they don't have to say, I'm gonna come. You kind of just, you know, don't you?

William 0:46:44 Sometimes. But communication is very important in a relationship.

Jordan 0:46:48 I think if the masseuse is— unless it was her first time, she'll learn. She'll, she'll, she learned the hard way. But surely, like, you watch porn and you know they're gonna come.

William 0:47:01 Hmm.

Jordan 0:47:01 Don't you?

William 0:47:02 Yeah, you generally do know, I should say.

Jordan 0:47:04 So, maybe the masseuse needs to work on a— not a technique, but a—

William 0:47:08 I don't think you did anything wrong, JD, so I wouldn't sort of worry too much.

Jordan 0:47:12 Well, if his toes are curling and he's on vinegar stroke, surely— if his eye's like that—

William 0:47:18 I think the learn here is don't whisper it.

Jordan 0:47:21 Yeah, maybe don't whisper it.

Ben 0:47:23 Scream it to the rooftops.

Jordan 0:47:24 Yeah, how would it sound, Ben? Come on, role play. I'm the masseuse.

Ben 0:47:29 Come on, I'm not doing this.

Jordan 0:47:33 Come on, we're role playing. Come on.

Ben 0:47:35 I'm coming.

Jordan 0:47:36 Oh my God, wait, wait, wait, wait, come on, let's do it again. Right, so I'll keep it a bit sick in my mouth. How's that for you?

Ben 0:47:45 I'm coming.

Jordan 0:47:47 There you go.

William 0:47:47 Well, that's helpful.

Ben 0:47:50 Glad we worked that through.

Jordan 0:47:51 You sound like you're on fucking dodgems at Blackpool. Please don't. I hope you don't say that.

Ben 0:47:55 I'm coming,

Jordan 0:47:56 I'm coming! Yippee!

William 0:48:01 Can't wait to read your novel.

Jordan 0:48:02 Oh, I told you that. Oh wait, that'll fester. That will fester, that one. When is, um, Teacups and Forkspoons out? Whatever it's called.

Ben 0:48:12 A Facial Forking.

William 0:48:14 May next year, and we've got months.

Jordan 0:48:16 What's it called? Teapots and Forkspoons?

William 0:48:18 A Facial Forking.

Jordan 0:48:19 Oh, fatal forking. Yes. Uh, thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need your help with something, then do get in touch.

William 0:48:26 You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss on the socials.

Jordan 0:48:31 Uh, you can write to all of them here in the fullness of time, promises a handwritten reply from one of our luxury greeting cards of executive cellophane envelopes. The address is on the website, sexandmyboss.com. You can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player And you can even watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up every release day. Just head to YouTube and search for Sexted. Goodbye.

William 0:48:53 See you on Friday.