Hussy Dogs and a Floral Mess

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:08 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:18 Hello, Jonathan. I'm here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:23 So, welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I will of course trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving Welcome to our lovely great big mail sacks. So, William, have you had a super duper week?

William Hanson 0:01:37 I've had a super duper week, and can I say, I love that blue on you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:41 Do you?

William Hanson 0:01:42 Yes. Thank you. It's a blue I haven't seen you wear. You say you've had that one for a while.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:45 I have.

William Hanson 0:01:46 But I haven't— maybe I have— you've put a jumper over the top of it, so I haven't really seen it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:49 Well, normally I do wear a jumper because you know me, I feel the cold.

William Hanson 0:01:52 You do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:53 But we've finally been having a proper summer this year in the UK, so I've been able to take off my jersey.

William Hanson 0:01:59 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:00 Look at your jersey.

William Hanson 0:02:01 I'm not looking at your jersey. You're not looking at my jersey.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:04 Funny you mention this because I've just had a restock of my polos.

William Hanson 0:02:07 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:07 You know me, I love a polo.

William Hanson 0:02:09 Are they all navy?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:10 A manly polo. I didn't buy any, any navy blue actually.

William Hanson 0:02:15 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:15 No.

William Hanson 0:02:16 Jonathan, what colours have you gone for?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:18 Well, I've got— do you want to guess? Have a little guess at what colours I've gone for in my new polo repertoire. And of course, like,

William Hanson 0:02:24 blue

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:25 bucketheads will see them on the various videos on Instagram and on our private members luxury club.

William Hanson 0:02:34 What? Private member? I don't know if we've ever called it a private members' luxury club. It's become even more exclusive.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:40 Well, that's how I like to think of it. Yeah. Yeah. So, what colour have I gone for?

William Hanson 0:02:46 Probably a green.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:47 Well, I've gone for teal green.

William Hanson 0:02:50 Teal green?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:51 I know devilish.

William Hanson 0:02:52 Is that back?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:52 What do you mean, is that back?

William Hanson 0:02:54 Show me the teal.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:55 I think it is actually. It's very nice. It's a nice colour. Hang on, let me just—

William Hanson 0:03:01 All right, Grandad, here we go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:02 Shut up! There we go. How about that?

William Hanson 0:03:05 Oh, that's nice. I had— I thought it was a bit sort of— when you said teal, I thought it was a bit brighter than that. So, that's all right, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:11 It's a dusky teal.

William Hanson 0:03:13 A bottle green, I'd call that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:14 No, it's not bottle green. All right, well, whatever makes you happy. So, yes, one of those.

William Hanson 0:03:18 Nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:19 What else?

William Hanson 0:03:20 I think you've gone for red.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:23 I have gone for red, which I think is dangerous with my big red face.

William Hanson 0:03:27 Yeah, burgundy, a darker red, or a red-red?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:30 Red, red.

William Hanson 0:03:31 Oh, yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:32 This will go either way, won't it?

William Hanson 0:03:34 You look like you're canvassing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:35 Canvassing for what?

William Hanson 0:03:38 A particular person?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:40 Why? Is that what they wear?

William Hanson 0:03:41 Well, it looks a bit, um— no, but no, you'll look very smart in it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:46 Thank you. Well, if it looks too red with my big red face—

William Hanson 0:03:50 You can send it back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:51 Oh, well, I could do, or I could just wear it underneath a navy polo.

William Hanson 0:03:54 Yeah, maybe something to break it up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:56 Just get a flash of red.

William Hanson 0:03:57 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:57 Oh, yeah. So, red, yes. What else?

William Hanson 0:04:00 I hope you haven't gone yellow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:02 No, I haven't gone yellow. I don't do yellow.

William Hanson 0:04:04 White?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:05 White, yes. Yeah, white with a tan. What? What do you mean? I

William Hanson 0:04:12 know I'm one to talk.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:12 What was that? Don't you think I've got a tan?

William Hanson 0:04:14 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:14 Hold your arm up next to mine. Hello.

William Hanson 0:04:17 Jonathan, that's the same colour.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:19 It's not the same colour!

Speaker E 0:04:22 What is wrong with you? I'd say the same thing. She doesn't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:25 I agree with Jonathan. This is a tan. This is a tan, and you look almost dead.

William Hanson 0:04:30 Well, you're slightly darker than me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:33 I'm completely darker than you.

William Hanson 0:04:35 Well, you wait. What?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:38 For what?

William Hanson 0:04:38 Once I come back from the Magic Kingdom.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:40 You're gonna be all tanned, are you?

William Hanson 0:04:43 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:43 Yes, I think white with a cracking tan. I might wear that out on the town in Frigg. I'll wear that. Oh yeah.

William Hanson 0:04:50 You haven't gone for black, have you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:51 No, I haven't gone for black. No, I don't do black, actually. I never wear black. I've gone for petrol blue.

William Hanson 0:04:56 Oh. Ooh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:58 I know. And call me a devil.

William Hanson 0:05:01 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:01 Coral pink. Show me. Coral pink, which— look.

William Hanson 0:05:05 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:06 Nice, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:05:08 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:08 When I— if I wear that here, I will blend in with the chairs, the microphones, the setting. I will be—

William Hanson 0:05:17 You'll be Wes Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:18 And my big pink face. So, maybe I shouldn't wear that. But yeah, so I bought some new polos. How

William Hanson 0:05:24 lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:24 Which I'm rather excited about.

William Hanson 0:05:25 Was there an offer on?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:26 There was an offer, yes.

William Hanson 0:05:32 I thought there might be.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:33 Yeah. But, yeah, no, there was an offer. But they're not cheap polos. No. You've got to be very careful when you wear a polo. When you are a middle-aged man, You've got to have the right cut of polo.

William Hanson 0:05:48 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:48 Because when you get a polo that clings to your fat back, it, you know, it makes you look like 72-year-old Auntie Beryl. So, you've got to make sure that you wear the appropriate cut of polo.

William Hanson 0:06:03 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:04 Okay.

William Hanson 0:06:04 Yeah, I think that's—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:06 So, this particular brand of polo, I like the cut. Do you?

William Hanson 0:06:11 Well, and that's all that matters.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:12 Do you?

William Hanson 0:06:12 No, yes. Well, for me or for you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:14 For both. Well,

William Hanson 0:06:16 I haven't— I don't wear that brand of polo, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:18 Right. Do you like this brand of polo?

William Hanson 0:06:20 I do, yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:20 Yeah? You love it? Nothing wrong with it. Is it the nicest brand of polo you've ever seen?

William Hanson 0:06:24 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:24 No? What's wrong with it?

William Hanson 0:06:27 No, nothing's wrong with it. I just—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:28 Critique it. What's wrong with it?

William Hanson 0:06:29 No, it's, um—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:30 Yes?

William Hanson 0:06:32 Ubiquitous.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:35 Ubiquitous? Gosh.

William Hanson 0:06:38 I know lots of people wear that brand. It's very popular. So, thus I wear something else.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:42 It's okay just to be different.

William Hanson 0:06:45 Always to be different.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:45 Of course.

William Hanson 0:06:46 But it's— look, they know what they're doing, and they're doing a good job.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:48 Good. Lovely. Well, so, yes.

William Hanson 0:06:50 Are you offended that I said your picture's nice?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:52 No, I couldn't care less, genuinely. Um, but yeah, so I bought some polos, so I'm all ready to go. Um, I also did my— um, I did this week, I did my winter sweater clean.

William Hanson 0:07:03 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:03 Where I washed all of my sweaters, and I did them on a beautiful— I have jabón de Marsella perfume.

William Hanson 0:07:10 Of course you did, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:11 And then I hung them outside in the garden. Oh, my garden smelt like a Spanish laundry.

William Hanson 0:07:17 Oh, speaking of which, our cleaner the other day has now started using the Spanish cleaning products. She just— they're all there, and I've told her about them, but she just uses whatever she wants to use. She loves them. And I literally walked in, and it smelt like a Spanish villa, and I knew before I saw the bottle on the side what she'd done.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:31 There you go.

William Hanson 0:07:32 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:32 Did it smell nice? Did it remind you of me?

William Hanson 0:07:34 Yes, it did remind me of you. Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:37 Um, well, my garden smelt of Spanish cleaning products. It was lovely. And they're all nicely washed now, dried, ironed, put away, ready for the weather to turn.

William Hanson 0:07:48 That's going to be quite some way away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:50 Oh no, it won't.

William Hanson 0:07:51 Oh really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:52 No. As soon as it gets slightly chilly, I put a jumper on.

William Hanson 0:07:55 Oh, okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:55 I can't bear being cold. Can't bear it.

William Hanson 0:07:59 You just had air conditioning put in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:00 Well, I like it at night.

William Hanson 0:08:02 I

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:02 like to be cold under the duvet, but during the day, I like to be a bit warm.

William Hanson 0:08:07 Oh no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:08 Love it.

William Hanson 0:08:08 No, I hate being warm. Talking of laundry, we've recently had— well, we always have fresh flowers in the house because it's a luxury that I would like. I've always wanted that. And in this week's arrangement, there were lilies, as there often are. Mikey kept— I have got rid of Lily, pollen off so many of his clothing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:28 Don't you cut them off?

William Hanson 0:08:29 Well, we do now, because he can't be trusted.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:33 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:08:34 And we will now— I'm so used to it. I mean, lily pollen doesn't go on my clothes, I'd just like to point out. But he just seems to sort of rub up against these flowers somehow, even though they're in a part of the kitchen where you don't really need to go near them. And what I didn't realise, having done a bit of research, if you— and it does work, if you leave the garment outside in direct sunlight, the pollen disappears.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:57 You know what else works with lily pollen as well that I found? And when we go to Frigg, maybe you can stock up on this.

William Hanson 0:09:05 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:05 They can't sell it. I don't know why they don't sell it in the UK. It's probably because there are a lot of raging alcoholics here. But they sell pure alcohol when you go down the old Mercadona. They sell little bottles of pure alcohol, the kind of pure alcohol that is so strong, If you drank it, you'd die.

William Hanson 0:09:22 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:23 But what it is fantastic for, you dab a bit of that on your lily pollen, just disappears. Piff, puff, poof, like magic.

William Hanson 0:09:31 That's what I was cleaning my makeup brushes with at Titanic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:34 Pure alcohol?

William Hanson 0:09:34 They'd give me some pure alcohol. I put it in my martini glass.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:37 You didn't!

William Hanson 0:09:38 Why, not to drink it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:40 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:09:40 No, just to use it. I thought it'd be quite fun to walk around, because then I went into some of the cast's dressing room. They panicked again that I was back on the Source. And I said, well, I am, but don't drink this. And then I'd clean them in the martini glasses.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:51 Oh, you know, I would say that's very dangerous because literally pure alcohol will kill you.

William Hanson 0:09:56 Yes. And when you pour it down the sink, you have to like run the hot tap for quite some time to flush it through. Really? Yeah, because the fumes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:04 Oh yes, very, very strong.

William Hanson 0:10:05 It's very strong.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:06 But when we go down the old Mercadona, you could buy a couple of bottles of that for your lilies, couldn't you?

William Hanson 0:10:11 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:11 Yeah. Why not treat yourself?

William Hanson 0:10:13 Well, although I'm thinking there is a button you can click on this website that sends us these flowers. Don't send me lilies. And I'm one garment away from clicking that button. If that happens again next time we get lilies—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:23 I'm a bit funny about lilies because I do love the smell.

William Hanson 0:10:26 Cats don't like them, do they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:27 Cats— they are highly poisonous to cats and dogs.

William Hanson 0:10:31 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:31 The pollen, even just the dust of the pollen, can kill a cat or a dog.

William Hanson 0:10:36 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:37 If they sniff it or lick it.

William Hanson 0:10:38 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:39 So, I am very, very— if ever I do receive flowers that have lilies, First of all, they go in a room where the dogs can't go, and I, every time I see any of the little things starting to come through, I'm out there with my scissors snipping them off.

William Hanson 0:10:55 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:55 I can't take a chance with my mutts.

William Hanson 0:10:58 No. So, yes, I have been amazed at how literally bleaching them in the sun, it's got literally a couple of hours, done.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:06 The sun is an amazing bleacher. Yes. And disinfectant as well.

William Hanson 0:11:12 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:12 Did you know?

William Hanson 0:11:13 In fact, it was one of— in fact, I think Mikey must have put one of his things in the wash not knowing it still had the pollen dust on it, and it got onto some of my white t-shirts. I only have a couple. One of them is a Hyacinth Bouquet one, and I was not best pleased, but the sun has taken care of it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:31 Good. Well done. Next week, talking of my mutts, is a busy old week for me.

William Hanson 0:11:37 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:38 because Betty, Is going for the op. Oh. Yes, indeed.

William Hanson 0:11:43 She will be called Bruce.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:45 She— no, she's not having gender reassignment.

William Hanson 0:11:48 Can you do that in dogs?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:51 My dog's not going for gender reassignment. She's going to be spayed.

William Hanson 0:12:07 Call a spade a spade.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:08 Oh, Bruce. Yeah, she's going to be spayed.

William Hanson 0:12:12 Now, can I ask a delicate question?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:14 Ask away.

William Hanson 0:12:15 I'm sorry for anyone that's squeamish. What does that actually entail, as not a dog owner?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:19 It— well, I believe it's quite an inva— for a bitch, it's quite an invasive bit of surgery. Basically, they go in. You can have it done by keyhole, or you can have it done the old-fashioned way.

William Hanson 0:12:33 What's the old-fashioned way?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:34 Where they just open the dog up and they take it all out.

William Hanson 0:12:38 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:38 And then sew them back up again. Oh,

William Hanson 0:12:40 I'm feeling—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:41 So I'm going for—

William Hanson 0:12:42 I'm not a dog.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:42 I'm going for the old-fashioned way.

William Hanson 0:12:44 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:44 I'm, I'm slightly concerned about the keyhole because I've had— well, I had a friend who had the keyhole done on their bitch and they left a tiny bit of, I think, the womb, and then it got infected. And with my Poppy, she had the old-fashioned op. and she was right as rain.

William Hanson 0:13:03 After how long?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:04 Oh, straight away.

William Hanson 0:13:05 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:06 The vet said, come and, uh, drop her off in the morning, come and pick her up in the afternoon. And I still remember going there, and, um, I was kind of, was, you know, quite upset and worried about my poor dog, young dog. And I went there, and my, my lovely vet Julie came out, and she said, just to let you know, there is one person that doesn't seem to realise she's had major surgery today. At which point the door burst open, in comes Poppy, as if nothing was wrong whatsoever. She said, try and stop her jumping up. But Poppy kind of launched herself at me. So, I'm not too worried about it.

William Hanson 0:13:41 But do you think Betty will be the same or not? Because I think Betty's a bit more dramatic than Poppy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:44 Betty is a complete drama queen. She is a complete drama queen. So, I envisage she'll kind of hobble out, probably moaning.

William Hanson 0:13:53 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:54 Howling, crying. Yeah, she won't put a brave face on, will old Betty? But she's got— my friend Sarah, who has Betty's sister, she had her sister done some time ago. And so she's given me her special post-op outfit. It's like a little suit that you put on them, and it stops them licking their wound, you see, rather than the cone of shame.

William Hanson 0:14:23 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:23 So, Betty's going to be— it's the same colour as the microphones in our luxury studio.

William Hanson 0:14:28 A

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:28 bright pink post-op outfit. She's going to look like a kind of weird little piglet.

William Hanson 0:14:34 Just when she thought she was out of the period pants.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:38 She's going to have a special outfit. I'll take a photo, of course.

William Hanson 0:14:42 Yes, do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:42 For public humiliation and entertainment. But she'll be fine. But at least that way— because I don't think I've ever gone into detail with you about this before— but that way I won't have to worry about her. Because I'm going to let you into a bit of a secret.

William Hanson 0:14:57 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:58 My bet is a hussy. Poppy is a confirmed lesbian. She's always been a lesbian. Put a male dog near her, she is not remotely interested. Let her meet a couple of middle-aged females, she loves them. Betty, on the other hand, if she catches one whiff of a male dog, She's there, she's on her back, she spreads her legs.

William Hanson 0:15:26 What a tart.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:27 Come on, chaps, get a load of this. She's that kind. She's a hussy.

William Hanson 0:15:32 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:32 So, I can't wait to not have to worry about her meeting— because what is always the worry is that she'll end up being in a field and she'll end up being mounted by a lower class of dog.

William Hanson 0:15:48 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:48 And you don't want that. You don't want that. I don't want some old mutt. No. So, consequently, I'm just delighted that I won't have to worry about her and her very high sex drive that she clearly has.

William Hanson 0:16:00 And it's effective immediately, presumably.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:02 Yeah. Well, yes, there's nothing left.

William Hanson 0:16:06 Oh, it makes me feel so ill.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:10 Really? No, but it's better for them in the long run. It's better.

William Hanson 0:16:14 And you don't want to breed her, and you don't—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:15 No, I definitely don't want to breed her. I kind of do in one way, because she's a lovely dog, and I think it'd be fun to have some puppies. However, firstly, there's no guarantee that old Betty's going to be a good mum. She's a bit of a— she's a bit of a lunatic, really, in all kinds of ways. So I think when it comes to her being a mother, it could go one of two ways.

William Hanson 0:16:36 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:37 You know, she might end up like Marlarkin, she might end up like Amy Winehouse. So I think it's probably best that we don't try it. And also, I just think with, uh, with having puppies, there are plenty of people already breeding dogs. Yes. We don't need someone else, do we? No, no, no, no. And I haven't got the time either.

William Hanson 0:16:58 Well, thoughts and prayers to Betty.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:59 Well, I shall keep you updated on her developments.

William Hanson 0:17:03 I hope it's painless. Do they sedate them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:04 Of course they do. They're not gonna do, hold her down, Stan. Of course they do. She'll be out of it. Good, okay.

William Hanson 0:17:14 God bless her.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:14 Well, I've got to take her to my— because my lovely vet, she's departed from my local vets.

William Hanson 0:17:20 Oh, oh, not dead?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:21 No, no, she's very much alive, but I'm insisting that she does the operation. So I'm driving Betty quite some way away for her to be done. Oh yes.

William Hanson 0:17:33 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:33 A vet to and above British standards. I'll keep you posted.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:26 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. If you have something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, do remember postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:19:41 Uh, this first one is from Mehdi. Uh, what would you 2 devilishly handsome men consider the most luxury dessert pudding to order at a restaurant or bake at home? I'm thinking something along the lines of a tiramisu, which, if I do say so myself, I'm actually quite good at making. I'd love to hear your expert opinions. With best regards, Mehdi from Bushehr in Iran. Nice. Lovely. I would say, well, tiramisu you don't bake, as far as I'm aware. It's more of an assembly job, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:08 Yep.

William Hanson 0:20:09 Um, it is very nice, and actually a good one. Actually, a bad one is, uh, bad. I've had a bad tiramisu once. It was really— no, I wasn't ill, but it was just overly sweet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:22 Not good.

William Hanson 0:20:22 Not boozy enough.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:24 I'm not very skilled at putting things—

William Hanson 0:20:27 No, you don't do them very often.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:28 I don't really do them, but there is one thing, and I think it is kind of understated luxury. A crumble. There you go, I said it.

William Hanson 0:20:36 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:36 I do think a crumble— if you— I have an apple tree in my garden, And if I was to invite you round and I said, I've done us a crumble, apples from the garden, I think that would say to you, gosh, he's a little bit luxury, isn't he?

William Hanson 0:20:50 I don't like an apple crumble on its own, though. Apple and blackberry crumble. Oh, I could do that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:55 Yeah. There's lots of blackberries on my dog walks at the moment.

William Hanson 0:20:58 Okay, great. Rhubarb crumble.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:01 Do you like a rhubarb crumble?

William Hanson 0:21:02 I love a rhubarb crumble.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:03 Do you? I find it a bit funny. A bit funny.

William Hanson 0:21:06 Well, I find you a bit funny.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:08 But here I am. Lemon meringue pie.

William Hanson 0:21:12 Pie, I think, is— that is impressive. If you can do a lemon meringue pie.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:15 Ah, lemon. You're turning your nose up. I don't really like lemon with a dessert. No, it's all a bit kind of—

William Hanson 0:21:26 Claggy. Um, if you can do floating island or baked Alaska, I think that's very— that's quite— it's retro.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:35 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:21:35 But it's quite luxury.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:37 Yeah. I just go to cook.

William Hanson 0:21:39 I know you do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:40 When I've got people coming around, I just go to cook. I can't be bothered to make a dessert. Just can't.

William Hanson 0:21:46 It's so easy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:47 No, I don't like it. I don't like it. Don't get any enjoyment from making a dessert.

William Hanson 0:21:50 I did a very nice the other day, hazelnut peach and raspberry cake thing. Sort of, you sort of create a sort of a batter, and then you put—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:59 You've got a sweet tooth. I couldn't care less. I don't— I mean, the The pudding is really not my thing. I kind of— I'd rather skip to the cheese and biscuits afterwards. Oh, no. Yeah, the pudding—

William Hanson 0:22:11 You see, I would rather do it French style and have whatever we have for the main course, then cheese and biscuits, and then a pudding.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:16 Ooh, look at you.

William Hanson 0:22:17 I don't like going back to savoury after I've finished on sweet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:20 Oh, I do.

William Hanson 0:22:21 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:22 Soaks it all up, doesn't it?

William Hanson 0:22:24 I don't like pudding.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:25 Right, so what are we saying then is the most luxury? I mean, I've never been to Iran, and probably the way things are going at the moment, we won't be going either.

William Hanson 0:22:35 Probably not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:36 But so I don't really know what they're— what they grow there.

William Hanson 0:22:40 No. Dates, probably.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:41 Dates.

William Hanson 0:22:42 Sticky toffee pudding.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:43 Sticky toffee pudding. There you go, Mehdi. Get, get your lips around the sticky toffee pudding.

William Hanson 0:22:47 Oh yes, with a bit of vanilla ice cream.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:50 Oh nice.

William Hanson 0:22:50 Delicious.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:51 Yeah, very nice. Anastasia's been in touch. I don't think it's old big lungs, it's another one. Anastasia says, dear Jonathan and William, I'd very much like your guidance on visiting the beach in the United Kingdom, please.

William Hanson 0:23:06 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:06 What? I now live a mere 20 minutes away from an array of beaches in Dorset, and I'd like to make use of them. Is there a way of elevating a trip to a sandy beach, not during a bank holiday heatwave, to make it more luxury. In my mind, I'm envisioning Deauville Beach. I don't know where that is. Where's that?

William Hanson 0:23:30 I'll have a look whilst you continue to read.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:31 Deauville Beach in the 1920s, all parasols and picnic hampers with witty and erudite conversations. In reality, I fear the family from hell will be on one side and a beach yoga group will be on the other. Is a luxury beach trip a possibility? Yours in beach-ready anticipation,

William Hanson 0:23:54 Anastasia. It's in France. Right. You know, looks very nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:59 Yeah, you're not going to find that around here. You're not going to find that over here. No, you're not.

William Hanson 0:24:02 British beaches are generally terrible.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:04 Well, they are, sadly. Well, I don't know. I mean, not all of them, but a lot of beach resorts are horrible now in the UK, aren't they?

William Hanson 0:24:13 Go to Miami or somewhere else.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:15 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:24:16 If you want all that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:17 Yeah. I mean, to be fair, there are some nice beaches down in Devon. I've never been to Dorset. But down in Devon, there are some nice beaches, but you've got to be careful where you go, you know, you've got to be careful. Um, Cornwall, I gather some of the beaches are gorgeous there.

William Hanson 0:24:31 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:32 Never been.

William Hanson 0:24:32 You've got to go very, very far away from London. Anywhere like Eastbourne, where you've had problems in Eastbourne. Weston-super-Mare, horrid beach. Clevedon Beach is a stone beach, so who wants to go on that? Um, Brighton Beach, I don't think I don't think it's

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:49 very nice. No.

William Hanson 0:24:50 Unless the weather is absolutely balmy and the sand is bone dry.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:54 And don't ever listen to people who say go to Norfolk.

William Hanson 0:24:56 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:56 Because, I mean, Sadie will know this because it's not far from Sadie's neck of the woods. When you go to Norfolk, um, you, you've got to get the timing right. The one time I went to the beach in Norfolk, people said, oh, take your dog there. I walked for 2 hours and I still hadn't got to the water. It was like a mirage in the distance, and I walked and walked and walked, fell over in the sand. It's not funny. And I never actually got to the water. Got so tired, I just turned around and went back to the car. It's ridiculous. There's no water there. It all just drifts off.

William Hanson 0:25:28 So, yeah, I think, Anastasia, if— I don't think a beach trip in this country— you've got to manage your expectations, especially when your point of reference is Deauville Beach, which looks lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:43 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:25:44 But it's not. It's Not going to be allowed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:46 Well, hang on, let's try and be positive here. You could kind of manufacture a— you know when Hyacinth takes them all off?

William Hanson 0:25:53 Where does she go? Great Yarmouth?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:55 No, no, no. I mean when she goes off for the riverside picnic.

William Hanson 0:25:58 Oh yes, with Riparian Entertainment.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:59 With Riparian Entertainment. And unfortunately, there's a dredger. But you could take your own picnic table and things like that, walk along the beach until you find a nice isolated spot and pretend you're at

William Hanson 0:26:13 Deauville Beach. Yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:15 Put a windbreak around you.

William Hanson 0:26:16 Oh, to be fair, the beach at Frinton I have seen. That looked quite nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:20 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:26:21 Yeah, that's small.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:22 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:26:22 And generally has a better class of person.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:26 Oh, it does.

William Hanson 0:26:26 Well, it does, because not far away is Clacton, and need we say more?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:30 Right. Oh gosh, okay, you're not holding back, are you?

William Hanson 0:26:34 But Frinton is a lot better.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:35 Frinton's a bit more executive, is it? Oh, lovely. Well, hopefully that helps, Anastasia.

William Hanson 0:26:41 Yes, this one is from Lina Ståls. Dear William and Jonathan, greetings from Oslo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:46 Aren't we international?

William Hanson 0:26:48 So international.

William Hanson 0:26:49 Love it. Um, I first want to say that I love your podcast. As English is not my first language, your podcast has greatly helped me refine my diction, preventing me from lapsing into excessive Americanisms whilst abroad, and also keeping me very entertained. Thank you. I'm soon to be relocating for my university studies and shall thus be taking up residence in student accommodation.

William Hanson 0:27:09 I'll be moving into a solo apartment, and it And it has a kitchen and the essential amenities, but remains otherwise unfurnished. Given its very small size, I must select my furnishings and appliances with care. So my question is thus: what are some essential items I could get to make sure the new apartment is up to luxury standards? Any tips are greatly appreciated. Kind regards, Lina Navarro.

William Hanson 0:27:32 An ironing system.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:33 An ironing system?

William Hanson 0:27:35 All student accommodation

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:37 What? When you're pushed for space?

William Hanson 0:27:40 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:40 And I know what you're talking about. You're talking about a Laurastar ironing station.

William Hanson 0:27:43 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:43 So, when you've got no space, you want to bring in this enormous ironing station?

William Hanson 0:27:48 You ought to have standards. You can't be creased in a smaller— in fact, anything, it'll crease more. So, you need to make sure— no, I'm joking. Um, you just— good bedding, good quality bedding.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:00 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:28:01 Not too many cushions because you don't want to sort of overwhelm the room.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:04 No.

William Hanson 0:28:04 but some homely touches.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:06 Maybe some vintage furniture, some antique furniture.

William Hanson 0:28:09 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:09 Some nice bijou antiques.

William Hanson 0:28:12 And actually, a nice diffuser. Your diffuser that you gave me, that we have in the downstairs loo, which always gets commented upon by first-time visitors or even regular visitors, is actually nearly running out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:21 Oh, okay. Was that a hint?

William Hanson 0:28:23 No, no, no, no, no, because they're not cheap. But it's lasted. It's lasted because we— you gave it to me ages ago, but I knew when we moved I wanted it In the downstairs loo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:33 You get what you pay for with scents, don't you, generally? And actually,

William Hanson 0:28:37 if you're in a small student accommodation, you can, you know, you could probably get a diffuser that would do probably the whole room. Yeah, because sometimes when you put a diffuser in a big room, you don't really smell it because the room is so big. But if you're in a small—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:49 Some smart scatter cushions. I think they can add a touch of, uh, je ne sais quoi.

William Hanson 0:28:54 A blanket.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:54 A blanket.

William Hanson 0:28:56 Yes,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:57 nicely placed.

William Hanson 0:28:57 Or a throw.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:58 Yes, very good.

William Hanson 0:28:59 And some photo frames.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:01 What about a pouffe?

William Hanson 0:29:02 Yes, you'd have a pouffe if you need something else to sit on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:05 Have a little pouffe. Always handy to have a pouffe in case you have a friend come around and they have nowhere to sit.

William Hanson 0:29:11 Yes, absolutely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:13 Please have my pouffe.

William Hanson 0:29:15 Sit on it. And some art on the walls.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:24 Some art on the wall, yes, very good.

William Hanson 0:29:27 That can zhuzh it up. And you may not be able to put nails in the walls, but you could use the no-nails thing if you read the instructions. As long as you read the instructions and you get— then you put enough on that wall, and the wall is clean and flat and flush, that works. Or you can pop a nail in if you can.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:42 Pop a nail in where?

William Hanson 0:29:43 The wall. To hang the picture.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:45 You're gonna pop a nail in the wall?

William Hanson 0:29:47 Well, if you're allowed to.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:48 Right, but it might just fall out. Depends on what your wall's made out of.

William Hanson 0:29:51 Well, yes, true. So do some research. But I think art can sort of be doesn't take up any other space because it's a wall, but it can just add an elevation. We— I was at the framer's this morning getting some art that we had bought. We bought some art from the Royal Academy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:07 Of course you did.

William Hanson 0:30:07 Only prints, but you know, whatever. And we took them to the framer's.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:11 Strategically placed lamps.

William Hanson 0:30:13 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:14 Lighting is so important.

William Hanson 0:30:16 Don't turn on the overheads.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:17 No, never touch the overheads. Always strategic. Although, can I just say, As you get older, you have to start bending that rule. I used to have an absolute rule that the overhead lights never ever went on. And it's amazing, once your eyesight starts to fail in your 40s, how suddenly putting the big light on for various things becomes quite essential. I find myself sometimes when I go into the kitchen, you know, I've got nice kind of under-counter lighting, creates a nice ambiance. Yes. And I go into there, I put all the lights on now because I'd like to see what I'm doing.

William Hanson 0:30:52 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:53 How's that happened?

William Hanson 0:30:54 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:54 No, your time will come.

William Hanson 0:30:56 Also, you could have a mirror because if it's a small space, that'll create the illusion of it being bigger.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:02 Very good idea.

William Hanson 0:31:03 So that would be my suggestion.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:03 And a little cheeky pot plant just to give a soft touch.

William Hanson 0:31:09 I hope you have space for all of this, Leena. If not, think of the workspace get when you put up the arning system.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:15 Well, I think that's been very helpful. In fact, haven't we been a delight this week?

William Hanson 0:31:20 So delightful!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:21 Thank goodness for us. I think that's more than enough luxury for this week. We'll leave it there for now. Of course, we will be back next Wednesday, but for now, goodbye!