We’re In A Haunted House! | And William’s Spooky Story

Jordan 0:01:06 Better be good, this. I'm missing traitors. Hello and welcome to our Friday episode where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in and how our advice went down with you, our wonderful GND-ers. Now it's a bit different, today's episode.

William 0:01:25 Yes. Might sound or look a bit different.

Jordan 0:01:27 Yes, because we're in a very haunted house.

William 0:01:31 Apparently.

Jordan 0:01:32 For a Halloween special.

William 0:01:33 If you believe in that sort of stuff.

Jordan 0:01:35 I do. This is Stephen's house in North London.

William 0:01:38 Thank you, Stephen, for letting us be here.

Jordan 0:01:39 Actually, that is Henry Stephen. We, for those of you that are listening, we are currently sitting in front of a massive portrait.

William 0:01:47 Yes.

Jordan 0:01:48 Of Henry Stephen's face.

William 0:01:49 It's about half the size of the one Jordan has normally in his house.

Jordan 0:01:53 of, uh, him in— him like holding a horse. He's got a great moustache. He was ahead of his time. Um, but I am getting spooky vibes from being here, I'm not gonna lie. And so much so that I did make William come to the bathroom with me before.

William 0:02:09 That old chat-up line.

Jordan 0:02:10 I was like, I'm not. But, um, and I was feeling nervous, so I've got Gen Z Izzy to make me a cup of tea. Bless her. Thanks, Izzy.

William 0:02:16 Right, well, there's nothing, nothing a cup of tea can't sort out.

Jordan 0:02:20 Also, at the time of recording, it's 6 PM, and I, I usually do have my Is this normally

William 0:02:24 when you crash?

Jordan 0:02:25 I usually, yeah, I usually have my first cup of tea now.

William 0:02:27 Why are you having caffeine at 6 o'clock in the evening?

Jordan 0:02:30 It's not, it's only tea, innit?

William 0:02:31 It's got as much caffeine in it as a cup of coffee.

Jordan 0:02:33 That's not true.

William 0:02:34 That's pretty true.

Jordan 0:02:35 That's a myth. Is it? Is it?

William 0:02:38 Yeah, they're all saying yes. It may not have exactly as much, but it— if you're having tea before bed—

Jordan 0:02:44 This is why I'm not sleeping, innit?

William 0:02:45 Yes, Jordan!

Jordan 0:02:46 I have 2 cups of tea a night.

William 0:02:48 What an idiot.

Jordan 0:02:49 I have one when I get in, but— One about 6 and then one about 8.

William 0:02:54 Why don't you have an espresso, love? Oh my God, are you putting espresso on your ice cream? Still at night?

Jordan 0:02:58 No, tea's not like coffee. It's— Google that. There's no— there's not as much tea. There's not as much caffeine in tea. It's a bit of a myth, that.

William 0:03:07 Well, if Jordan says so, it must be true.

Jordan 0:03:09 I'm gonna start a decaf croissana.

William 0:03:10 Yes, you need to have a decaffeinated English breakfast tea. You can buy them. I have a peppermint most nights before bed.

Jordan 0:03:17 I have a peppermint if I'm feeling a bit— well, I'm gonna have to after we've had all that pizza. But already spooky things have been going on Because I bought a sandwich from M&S before we got here.

William 0:03:26 For me.

Jordan 0:03:28 Right. For William. I was hoping to have half, I'm not gonna lie. So I bought William a horse—

William 0:03:35 Beef and horseradish.

Jordan 0:03:36 Beef and horseradish sandwich because it's his favourite. Can I just say, it wasn't the cheapest out of the ranges, but it's fine. And it's gone. No one knows where it's gone. And I don't know if you're just playing jokes with me.

William 0:03:46 Who's touched my beef sandwich?

Jordan 0:03:47 Spooky shit is happening already. And I'm on edge.

William 0:03:51 To be fair, that went missing in the studio.

Jordan 0:03:53 Well, no, because I definitely scanned it and put it in the bag.

William 0:03:58 Officer.

Jordan 0:04:00 So, I can't have dropped it in the street. Well, if I— I hope someone who's homeless got it.

William 0:04:05 Yes.

Jordan 0:04:05 That would be nice.

William 0:04:06 That would be nice.

Jordan 0:04:07 Yeah.

William 0:04:08 Well, we— if you want to, by the way, watch our tour of this house, it's all on Patreon. It went up on Wednesday. It is, of course, this weekend Halloween. Last Halloween was the first time I had done trick-or-treating. In my entire life.

Jordan 0:04:23 Really?

William 0:04:24 We had Mike's niece and nephew, Annie and Henry, come to stay with us for Halloween, and there was not a power on earth that was going to stop them from trick-or-treating. And so we went along with it. They're not coming this year. So, um, we don't need to do all that pumpkin carving.

Jordan 0:04:36 Your mum and dad never took you trick-or-treating as a child?

William 0:04:38 We lived in the middle of nowhere. There was no one to trick-or-treat.

Jordan 0:04:40 Could have drove to that local estate. Tinsfield.

William 0:04:43 That's a joke for the Bristolians. You know, could

Jordan 0:04:46 have gone out local estate and did a bit of trick-or-treating. No. We loved it. Um, I'm usually in, uh—

William 0:04:56 You're normally away, aren't you?

Jordan 0:04:57 Well, I, I go on holiday. So yeah, I am. I'm usually in, uh, Skegness at this time of year. Indeed. So I have Halloween.

William 0:05:03 Going trick-or-treating, you get given a mango.

Jordan 0:05:04 So, um, yeah, but we're here. You'll be able to see on Patreon what happened when we had a tour of this very spooky building. Think Yvette Fielding, was it?

William 0:05:16 Is it? She's the— she's in the cabinet, isn't she?

Jordan 0:05:20 Yvette Cooper?

William 0:05:20 No, not Yvette. No, Yvette Fielding. Yes, Yvette Fielding. No, Yvette Cooper's in the cabinet. Yvette Fielding was the ghost.

Jordan 0:05:27 Yeah. Yeah. So I think like all that, like early 2000s telly that used to be on Living TV or Living Plus.

William 0:05:34 Sally Morgan.

Jordan 0:05:35 Yeah. All them where they go around houses and, and I used to love watching them with my mum and sleep in her bed, age 13, because I was scared. But, um,

William 0:05:44 hello Freud.

Jordan 0:05:46 So it was very much like that and it's a very spooky have.

William 0:05:49 Sally Morgan, um, the— well, I say the late, he's still alive, but the wonderful Steve Allen, who used to present on LBC, uh, and would just make bitchy comments about everyone in the press, uh, including you. We see our episodes when you went into the castle, uh, and, uh, he was once— there was a story about Sally Morgan, the TV medium, as he said. And, uh, after— this is going into the news— and after the news, uh, the story about Sally Morgan, TV medium, although she's actually a large, and How about that?

Jordan 0:06:24 Really made you laugh, didn't it?

William 0:06:25 Ironically, she's lost an awful lot of weight recently. God knows how. And she's very slim now, so she's got the last laugh.

Jordan 0:06:32 Do you know who my favourite TV medium was? And if there's any G&D-ers listening or watching this, please get in touch. Jo!

William 0:06:38 She's— Jo is not here.

Jordan 0:06:39 Jo, want to get me some comments on this? If anyone messages, please. Anyone used to watch A Sixth Sense with Colin Fry? Jack. Jack's my age. Right. It was

William 0:06:52 Colin Fry.

Jordan 0:06:53 He was super talented, no longer with us. And he used to go into an audience and he'd be like, getting the name Jan.

William 0:07:04 And he wants—

Jordan 0:07:05 I'll never forget it, right? He went, your mother's here with me. And he went, but she's, she's laughing. She says Have you got your— have you brought something personal? And this woman had her mother's wig in her handbag, and he read her, said she was here.

William 0:07:21 Wow.

Jordan 0:07:22 And yeah,

William 0:07:23 well, so I never used to believe in the—

Jordan 0:07:26 Colin Fry, Sixth Sense. If anyone watched it or used to watch it on Living, get in touch because I thought it was fascinating. And I— they can't get any of it on YouTube, only the odd clip. So if anyone knows where I can watch it— sorry, carry on.

William 0:07:38 Um, I never used to believe in the occult, but this year I've had 2 things that have happened to me. One, at the start of the year, I had my tea leaves read at Fortnum& Mason. I did. It's on YouTube. And they did— it was a whole YouTube series they were doing. And she got loads of things right. And I was very sort of like, I'm not gonna— you know, I'm gonna control my face. It's quite easy with the Botox, but I'm not going to give anything away. She got— she was like, later on in the year—

Jordan 0:08:09 I mean, to be fair, you are quite big on TikTok.

William 0:08:11 No, she had no idea who I was, supposedly. But she said, later on in the year, she, uh, you're going to be on, on some sort of holiday where you release your inner child. I was going to Disneyland Paris. That wasn't public domain information. Then she said, I'm going to be elsewhere, lying on my back. Don't. Lying on my back somewhere hot. And a phone call is going to happen.

Jordan 0:08:35 You're going on holiday! Most people go on fucking holiday!

William 0:08:37 I haven't finished!

Jordan 0:08:38 Sorry, sorry, sorry.

William 0:08:40 I'm going to be lying on my back, and someone— she's like, is there someone who helps run your life that will be coming to you? And I'm like, well, yes. They are going to bring the phone to you, and a project that you think has gone away is going to come back. And there is a trip coming up where said person is coming, and I think I'm going to get the phone call. Whatever that phone call is, I think it's going to be that trip.

Jordan 0:09:07 Boozy Book Club.

William 0:09:08 I think I'll turn my phone off.

Jordan 0:09:15 It's an idea we've had for Patreon, and it went away, but it's coming back.

William 0:09:19 The other thing recently, I did another podcast by the drag artist Miss Lee Ding. Misleading, get

Jordan 0:09:28 it? Yeah,

William 0:09:29 yeah, yeah. Where she read my tarot cards.

Jordan 0:09:30 Rory Stewart on that. What?

William 0:09:33 Oh, that's a good one. Leading. Yeah.

Jordan 0:09:35 Well, for a podcast, yeah, fuck, it won't be best. Spent a long day.

William 0:09:39 They're all wetting themselves at Acast at that joke.

Jordan 0:09:41 Yeah, they'll love it,

William 0:09:42 eh? Yeah, anyway, Miss Leading read my tarot cards. And again, and this isn't in the public domain, she went, was your grandmother called Kay? She was. I was like, what? Literally like—

Jordan 0:09:52 I didn't know that to be fair.

William 0:09:53 No, exactly. 'Cause I just say Granny or Etiquette Granny. Um, so that was weird.

Jordan 0:09:58 Yeah, I— we'll move on because we've got loads of bits to go through, but I once had my fortune took.

William 0:10:04 Told.

Jordan 0:10:05 Told.

William 0:10:05 Hopefully your fortune wasn't taken.

Jordan 0:10:08 Um, and it was funny enough, it was—

William 0:10:12 How long ago?

Jordan 0:10:13 It was years ago. I was at Rock FM and I was DJing at this Citroën garage event.

William 0:10:17 We've all done it.

Jordan 0:10:18 It was a casino night and I was DJing and she, she was pestering me and I was like, no, no, no. I don't believe it. Anyway, she told my fortune and it was my grandma, and she said loads of stuff to me and I didn't give much. And then she, she kept saying, she's— someone in your family's getting a motorbike. And she's going mad at her behind me, and I'm like, she really don't like motorbikes. I'm like, oh, I was like, it's not me. She went, you've gotta— So anyway, about 2 weeks later, I'm at an auntie's 50th and I told them about it, and they were like, oh, Mickey's on about getting a motorbike. And I didn't know, but her, like brother or something died on a motorbike.

William 0:10:53 Gosh. There we go.

Jordan 0:10:55 Right.

William 0:10:56 So, it's spooky. Well, seeing as we're currently trapped in a haunted house, we thought we would try— trapped in a haunted house? It's news to me. I thought we'd try and lighten the mood with some X-rated Halloween movie puns from our G&Ders. And Jordan, I know how much you enjoyed these sort of last time we did something like this.

Jordan 0:11:15 Hit me up, baby.

William 0:11:16 Emma, Suggested Hunkus Punkus instead of Hocus Pocus. Yeah. I've never watched Hocus Pocus.

Jordan 0:11:23 Oh, you'd love it.

William 0:11:24 One or two. Mikey quotes it at me all the time.

Jordan 0:11:25 Oh, you would love it.

William 0:11:27 What's the one he says? Thank you, X, for that marvellous introduction. Never get it. Harry, the Exorcist. I think I've seen that.

Jordan 0:11:35 Exorcist. Not Exorcist. Exorcist.

William 0:11:38 Exorcist. I'm just spelling it out for, you know.

Jordan 0:11:42 These are good.

William 0:11:43 Alex, Halloweena.

Jordan 0:11:45 Classic.

William 0:11:46 Bethan, the Cumjuring.

Jordan 0:11:48 I'd watch that.

William 0:11:50 Matt, Frankenstein.

Jordan 0:11:55 Good.

William 0:11:56 Lovely. Charlie, Edward Scissoringhands. One for the lesbians.

Jordan 0:12:01 Spooky.

William 0:12:05 Dylan, Vabin in the Woods. What's that a pun on? Cabin in the— oh.

Jordan 0:12:13 Yeah, alright, we'll have it.

William 0:12:15 Emma, the Hills Have Thighs.

Jordan 0:12:21 Rich.

William 0:12:21 The Hills Have Eyes.

Jordan 0:12:23 The Hills Have Eyes is a scary name, but the Hills Have Thighs.

William 0:12:25 Well, thighs, some people find thighs attractive.

Jordan 0:12:27 How are thighs— oh, are they like— right, okay.

William 0:12:30 Are

Jordan 0:12:31 these porn names?

William 0:12:33 Yes!

Jordan 0:12:33 Oh, I've just switched on, right.

William 0:12:35 Gosh. Honestly, the scariest thing sometimes is your intelligence.

Jordan 0:12:39 Right, I'm just switching on. The conjuring Frankenstein. Yes, right, the porn movie names. You didn't say that.

William 0:12:46 I think I did, actually.

Jordan 0:12:48 The Hills Have Fire Exorcist.

William 0:12:49 X-rated, I think I said. Rich, The Texas Chainsaw Mass Orgasm. Mm-hmm. Very good. Okay, that's less punny. Rob on Patreon said Porn of the Dead.

Jordan 0:12:58 Great.

William 0:12:59 All are on Patreon. Beetlepuss. Wow.

Jordan 0:13:02 Beetle Pussy. Beetlepuss sounds like you need to get doctors.

William 0:13:06 Okay. Scott on Patreon, Cream. Instead of scream. Ed, the Night of Giving Head.

Jordan 0:13:14 Favourite so far. No, Exorcist is actually.

William 0:13:17 Okay. Sarah, the Nightmare Before Cunnilingus.

Jordan 0:13:21 Very good.

William 0:13:23 Arun, the Semen Headmaster. That's funny. That, I mean, it's not appropriate in any way, but—

Jordan 0:13:29 It's a kids' show, but alright. Semen Headmaster. Yeah. Oh yeah, and headmaster. Yeah.

William 0:13:33 Yeah. Shorty, the Blair Clip Project.

Jordan 0:13:38 The bi clip. Yeah.

William 0:13:39 Micah suggested instead of it, it could be tit. Molly, American Psycho. And Jack, a werewolf in Jordan. What? Well, what's that punning on?

Jordan 0:13:53 Oh, werewolf in London.

William 0:13:54 Oh, I see.

Jordan 0:13:55 It's an American werewolf.

William 0:13:57 Oh, Jordan as in what, the country or you? Oh, me. Oh, I see.

Jordan 0:13:59 That's the pun.

William 0:14:00 Oh, I don't see.

Jordan 0:14:01 That's the thing now with the internet. It ruined porn films. Used to get like— you did used to get really creative titles, proper like actors be dressed up. Now it's just straight in. To be fair, you did used to fast forward all those bits, but you know, it was nice that it was there.

William 0:14:17 They set up the, you know, the scene.

Jordan 0:14:19 Now it's just— now they don't even pretend to be a plumber. They're just like, we're gonna shag.

William 0:14:23 Well, you could say—

Jordan 0:14:26 And they used to have really good names. I was honestly— I've seen Shaving Private Ryan. I've seen them all. Schindler's List. Seen them all.

William 0:14:33 Well, there we go. Now, Jordan, I know you're feeling thoroughly spooked out in this haunted room.

Jordan 0:14:39 Yeah, actually.

William 0:14:39 So, I thought we'd turn it up a notch with a good old-fashioned ghost story.

Jordan 0:14:44 Oh, I don't like ghost stories.

William 0:14:45 Well, and in true ghost story fashion—

Jordan 0:14:48 Really?

William 0:14:49 I'm going to read this whilst placing a torch under my face. Oh, I'm gonna have a migraine if I look at this for too long. We'll turn down or off the lights to add some ambiance.

Jordan 0:15:03 I don't like it. I hope you've got some makeup on. If anyone jumps out and punks me, I will elbow them.

William 0:15:09 Can I do that? But can I hold it between my legs?

Jordan 0:15:11 It's not got the same effect. That's better.

William 0:15:15 Let me bring my legs up closer to my face.

Jordan 0:15:17 Right, so you're gonna tell me a ghost story.

William 0:15:20 Reminds me of boarding school. Yes. My boyfriend moved out 3 weeks ago. My cat Stanley was really close to him, and now that he's gone, I can tell he's a bit lonely.

Jordan 0:15:30 How's it a ghost story?

William 0:15:32 Just shush. I don't know either. I've never read this before. Especially when I'm at work, I came home a few times to find my curtains ripped up or all of the lavatory paper in shreds. The last straw was when I came home after working late to find he had clawed a hole the size of a dinner plate in the side of the sofa. Turns page. I decided I had to do something. I tried different toys, even catnip, but nothing worked. One night while browsing Amazon, I saw a pet camera. It's a tiny camera that records your pet on a live feed so you can monitor their behaviour while you're away. It even has an audio function so you can talk to them. They've put a link in. Sounded silly, but hey, I love my furry dude, so I bought it. I got overnight shipping. I think this is not very scary. And installed it immediately. I decided to set it up in my bedroom, and that was where Stanley spent most of his time. My first day at work, I think I checked the camera 30 times. When I spoke into the microphone, Stanley seemed to be happier, and I noticed there was no destruction around the house either. By day 4, I figured I'd solve the problem with Stanley. This leads me to right now. About 30 minutes ago, I climbed into bed with Stanley, ready to close my eyes, when my phone buzzed. A notification from the pet cam. I almost ignored it. Sure, I'd just triggered the thing, but I opened it anyway. What I saw made my grip tighten on my phone.

Jordan 0:17:01 Oh no.

William 0:17:02 Instead of a video of myself in bed, I saw a man, tall and gangly, with pale skin. And large eyes. Is it producing—

Jordan 0:17:10 Is he your dick? Sorry, I don't, I don't call staff dicks. She's a friend. Shit myself then.

William 0:17:18 He was moving into my room with exaggerated steps like a sneaking cartoon character. He got right up to the lens, so close I could almost smell his rotten breath, and he smiled. I immediately paused the video, terrified. I looked at the spot where the man should have been standing. But there was no one there. I went on Amazon and found the pet cam and read the reviews, hoping for some weird glitch. It had to be a joke. The first dozen reviews were pretty standard, but it was the last that caused me to bolt upright. One customer complained that the camera was on a time delay, sometimes as much as 15 minutes. I went back to the video and pressed play with shaky fingers. I watched in horror as the man slithered under my bed, giving the hamper a wink. Before disappearing into the darkness.

Jordan 0:18:02 What the fuck? He slithered under a bed! He's like Luthor!

William 0:18:06 Then I saw myself enter the room and climb into the bed before the video ended. Now I'm sitting in my bed knowing he's under it. I could call the police, but I doubt I'd have time. So please, do yourself a favour and read the reviews. We'll be back after the break.

Jordan 0:18:27 That's real. Is that real?

Jordan 0:21:12 Welcome back, GNDivers.

William 0:21:13 Um, have you recovered from that?

Jordan 0:21:15 No, I thought that was very scary. I thought I'd seen a face then. I thought that was very— it's the curtain. I thought that was very scary, and you read that really well. So is that a GNDiver that got in touch? Was it just a story?

William 0:21:27 No, it's a story. It's a story from the internet. There was a lot of extraneous detail at the start about, you know, next day delivery, etc., which didn't really add to the Oh, it's world-building. Okay, fine. I mean, what price did they pay for it?

Jordan 0:21:40 It's good. Yeah, I'm creeped out. I'm a bit on edge. Yeah.

William 0:21:45 Okay, well, we have asked our GND-ers to send in their spookiest—

Jordan 0:21:49 Don't know what we are for, Scargill, following me.

William 0:21:51 It's Henry Stevens.

Jordan 0:21:53 Henry Stevens.

William 0:21:53 And most terrifying encounters for our special Halloween episode, which is what you're listening to now. And we'll kick things off with Georgina, who has a seriously gruesome tale from her haunted house. I'd love to share a strange experience that happened to me shortly after lockdown. lockdown. My cousin had just moved out, leaving me living alone in our one-story house. Our bedrooms were along one long corridor, and one night I went to bed as normal, turned off all the lights, and fell asleep. At some point during the night, I woke up. I was lying there with my eyes closed when I suddenly became aware of footsteps coming down the corridor. Slowly. Step. Step. Step.

Jordan 0:22:30 I don't like this.

William 0:22:31 Then my bedroom door opened.

Jordan 0:22:33 I don't like this.

William 0:22:33 I was instantly terrified. I was lying flat on my back, but I was too scared to open my eyes. I had this horrible feeling that if I looked, I was going to see something I really didn't want to see.

Jordan 0:22:43 Get out!

William 0:22:44 Then I felt someone walk over to my bed. They stopped beside me, and they leaned over. I felt long hair brush against my face. I was completely frozen. I didn't open my eyes. I just lay there, waiting for whoever, or whatever, it was to leave.

Jordan 0:23:01 No, that's not true.

William 0:23:02 Eventually, I felt it move away. I waited for what felt like forever before finally opening my eyes. There was nobody there. I grabbed my phone and put on Modern Family to calm myself down.

Jordan 0:23:15 Oh, I'd do that. That's what I'd do. See, this is believable because that's what I'd do.

William 0:23:18 There was something strangely reassuring about hearing a sitcom playing in the background after what had just happened, although in hindsight, watching Modern Family at 3 AM after potentially being visited by a ghost—

Jordan 0:23:27 It's always 3 AM when they arrive.

William 0:23:29 —was probably not the most conventional way to deal with it. Cheap travel. I've since moved house, but I still leave a few lights on every night. Thanks for reading, and I hope you consider sharing my story on the podcast. Georgina.

Jordan 0:23:42 Maybe she's just having a bad dream.

William 0:23:44 She might have been doing, yeah. I suspect it was a bad dream. I had a dream last night that I was cast in the Book of Mormon with 1 hour's rehearsal. I had to go on. I had— I suddenly went, I don't know the script. Not a show I'd want to do. As fun as it is. Anyway, Holly is recalling her haunted happenings from a house party in Bristol. My name's Holly, and I'm from Bristol, like the lovely William. Cheers, Droyfe. My spooky story begins in a bridle path adjacent to a number of fields and a largely stately home called the Hilly Fields. My friends and I were at a party at my friend's house opposite the fields, enjoying a few drinks in the garden, when we heard a strange moaning or gurgling noise coming from the stately home garden. Just like that. We all heard The story of the teenager that had broken into the house and drowned in the pond around 20 years prior.

Jordan 0:24:33 Oh, that's horrible. Sorry.

William 0:24:35 Go on, do those noises.

Jordan 0:24:37 No, I just— well, the family might be listening. Condolences.

William 0:24:39 And said—

Jordan 0:24:40 What's funny about that? Well, have some respect.

William 0:24:48 I'm—

Jordan 0:24:49 can hell. Where'd you get your kicks, is he, eh, you know?

William 0:24:56 And was said to still haunt the grounds. As we were all 3 sheets to the wind, we decided to investigate. When we got to the bridle path, we heard the noise again, and to our horror, we saw a ghostly shadow moving around in the bushes with a dim, eerie light. We all screamed and ran back into our friend's house in terror. 5 minutes later, our other friend showed up at the house exclaiming, Sorry we're late, we got carried away. And ended up shagging in the bridle path on our way here. Love you guys. Well, there we go.

Jordan 0:25:24 So, what was the gurgling?

William 0:25:25 Just a couple of shaggers. Well—

Jordan 0:25:27 Oh, was it the people shagging?

William 0:25:29 Potentially.

Jordan 0:25:30 So, it wasn't the teenager?

William 0:25:32 No, it was maybe, you know, sounds of oral gratification.

Jordan 0:25:36 Ah, similar. How

William 0:25:39 are you doing it? Katie has said, might not be good for squeamish listeners. When I was at uni, I went to a friend of a friend's house party at Halloween, where partway through the night, one of the hosts cut his— ooh, cut his finger off by crushing it in a door. Ooh. Somehow, I, dressed as Medusa, ended up nursing the bloody hand of a guy I'd never met who was dressed as a Greek god, while someone else packed his finger in ice.

Jordan 0:26:08 It come clean off. Oh, I've gone funny. Can you get us another brew, love?

William 0:26:14 He went off to hospital with his ex-girlfriend. The A&E waiting room emergency must have rekindled their sexual tension as they left the hospital early to go home and shag. Well, I mean, that kind of— How— Was he in pain or not?

Jordan 0:26:26 Well, yeah, his finger!

William 0:26:27 Fingerless. He literally sacrificed his finger for a shag. I have no idea who this guy was. I never saw him again. I just know him as the Greek god who cut off his…

Jordan 0:26:36 Did he ever get his finger back?

William 0:26:38 I just know him as the Greek god who cut his finger off on Halloween.

Jordan 0:26:40 Imagine losing a finger for a shag.

William 0:26:42 I think you can sew fingers back on depending on how they come off.

Jordan 0:26:45 Yeah, but if you've gone home for a shag, you've probably missed the boat, the time thing.

William 0:26:52 Well, you can do it next week.

Jordan 0:26:53 What?

William 0:26:55 For an episode. I'm

Jordan 0:26:56 not cutting my finger off.

William 0:26:57 Oh, could do.

Jordan 0:27:00 Oh, fucking hell! Stuart! Stuart's just crept in. Where did that come from?

William 0:27:06 And the light from your laptop.

Jordan 0:27:07 Come on, eggshell's here. So Chairman Emeritus Stewart's just crept in. Hiya. Hiya. Fucking hell.

William 0:27:15 Emily has—

Jordan 0:27:15 Nearly as old as some of these ghosts.

William 0:27:17 Don't do my joke.

Jordan 0:27:20 He's literally like 2 years older than us, for the record.

William 0:27:24 Emily has always had the talent to communicate with the dead. From as far back as I can remember, I've always felt strangely connected to the supernatural. Even as a toddler, there were stories of me talking about and playing with 2 children who very clearly—

Jordan 0:27:37 Nope. Skip. I don't do child ghosts.

William 0:27:39 Why? You're not CRB checked, or?

Jordan 0:27:43 No, you're— I just— that's— I don't like that shit. That scares me.

William 0:27:48 Well, I'm going to continue.

Jordan 0:27:49 Skip. I'm not here for this.

William 0:27:50 As I've grown older, that feeling has never really left me. In fact, I've become more open to it.

Jordan 0:27:54 Why are you talking like that as well? It's scary.

William 0:27:56 I've become more open to it over the years and now even read tarot cards. Oh. My dad, however, has never believed in any of it. He's always been the sceptic in the family until one particular experience completely changed his mind. It all started in 2017 when we moved into a little cottage with a surprisingly rich history dating all the way back to the Victorians. Not long after moving in, there were a few occasions where I had this overwhelming feeling that something or someone was trying to make themselves known to me. At first, I was incredibly sceptical. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to acknowledge it, let alone—

Jordan 0:28:28 Crikey, there we see it.

William 0:28:32 Make contact. But one night, I remember thinking, what's the worst that could happen? So I opened myself up to it.

Jordan 0:28:39 Is this like Ghost? What's she got?

William 0:28:43 That was when I met her. She appeared to me as a woman wearing a long black dress, her hair tied back in a low bun.

Jordan 0:28:49 Fuck that.

William 0:28:50 Her name was Mary.

Jordan 0:28:51 Fuck that.

William 0:28:52 Have you ever opened yourself up at night and found a Mary? From that point onwards, she would appear every now and again. It never felt threatening or frightening, quite the opposite actually. She had this incredibly warm, kind, and almost motherly energy about her. It felt as though she was simply checking in on me, making sure I was safe. For years, I never really questioned who she was. I just accepted Mary as Mary. Then, a couple of years later, I went away to university. While I was gone, my mum decided to give the house a bit of a refresh. She posted in our local community group asking if anyone had any old photographs or information about the history of the cottage. A lovely neighbour got in touch and said that they had some old photographs and details about the house. When my mum showed me one of the photographs, I immediately froze. Standing outside the cottage was a woman.

Jordan 0:29:39 Mary.

William 0:29:39 She was wearing a black dress. Mary. Her hair was pulled back into a low bun.

Jordan 0:29:43 If this isn't Mary, I'm going to be well pissed off.

William 0:29:45 It was Brenda. It was Mary. Exactly as I had always seen her. No. My mum couldn't believe it either. So she asked the neighbour if they could find out anything more about the woman in the photograph. A few documents and old records were eventually uncovered, and there it was. The woman who had lived in our cottage all those years ago was in fact called Mary Thatt. Oh, sorry.

Jordan 0:30:06 Mary Fatt.

William 0:30:08 There's a full stop I missed. Was in fact called Mary. That was the moment— Get out. That was the moment my dad stopped laughing at my stories about the supernatural. And to this day, I still wonder whether Mary was simply a figure from the past, or whether somehow she really had been looking out for me. That's from M. Well, there we go.

Jordan 0:30:33 That's scary.

William 0:30:35 How are you feeling?

Jordan 0:30:35 What are you looking up there for like that, you knob?

William 0:30:39 What?

Jordan 0:30:39 Don't look up there, Wosh. Don't, yeah. Scary.

William 0:30:46 So, if you want more spookiness from Sexton—

Jordan 0:30:50 I have to tell you, Stead, I do feel like I have a touch, like, contact with the, the spirits.

William 0:30:56 Vodka, gin.

Jordan 0:30:58 I was— I've told you, I was once at a mate's house and I was a bit unsettled, and I was like— I was pretty young, I was about 11, 12. I was doing sleepover and it— I, I went to the toilet, but it was a massive— it was quite a big house and I didn't know where I was going, so he's His grandma put me back to bed, right?

William 0:31:20 Oh yes, I think you have said this.

Jordan 0:31:22 And in the car the next day, I said to my mate, I'll tell your grandma thanks for helping me get back to bed last night. He went, my grandma's dead. It was like something from a film. Shut door and I just drove off.

William 0:31:29 At 11 or 12, you drove off?

Jordan 0:31:33 My dad did.

William 0:31:34 Okay.

Jordan 0:31:36 Yeah,

William 0:31:36 well, that's, that's very weird. Um, and if you want more of this spookiness—

Jordan 0:31:39 Why are you speaking like that? You can speak normally now. I'm really sorry if this has scared you, unlike your normal regular commute. Get back in touch. We'd love to hear your feedback though. Yeah.

William 0:31:49 We filmed a haunted house tour, haven't we?

Jordan 0:31:52 Yeah.

William 0:31:52 If you want more of this sexy spookiness, you can head over to our Patreon and see the haunted house tour where we had the willies thoroughly put up us. You can check out our Patreon channel, Help I Sexed My Boss Out of Office.

Jordan 0:32:03 Mine's still up me.

William 0:32:04 Ooh. Ooh. For ad-free listening and an extra brand new episode every Wednesday.

Jordan 0:32:12 Yeah, we've got a fun episode on Patreon where we toured this very creepy building. So, Definitely, definitely go and check it out.

William 0:32:20 Can we just be honest with everyone and say, actual time of recording, that actually hasn't happened. We're about to do that now. And Jordan is already on the ceiling and I'm loving that.

Jordan 0:32:28 I'm shitting it. I'm not gonna lie. If any of you jump out at me, I'll elbow. I will elbow. So I'm gonna warn you. If you want to get— I was gonna say something. I'm creeped out now. I'm gonna go out for a fag, but I want one of you to come with me. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or problem, drop into our DMs. Let us know what you thought of this episode, or send us an email, help@sexwithmyboss.com. We also love hearing back from people we offer advice to, so if that's you, get back in touch, and we'll speak to you on Tuesday.

William 0:33:03 Hopefully.

Jordan 0:33:05 Don't say that. Don't tempt fate. Touch wood. Touch wood. Izzy, touch wood. Just touch your head.

William 0:33:11 She doesn't have to be asked twice. See you on Tuesday.