Help His Mum’s Scent Is A Turn On | And It’s Bath Season

Jordan 0:01:42 Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life. Answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do when you get your winter coat out of storage and find a 12-month-old biscuit in your top pocket?

William 0:02:10 Oh, topical.

Jordan 0:02:11 Or, whatever should you tell your coworker you've accidentally slept with their father?

William 0:02:16 That was a problem that we had last week.

Jordan 0:02:19 And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usually like the ants, are we, William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert?

William 0:02:28 No, we're not Jordan North, radio presenter, You're more Claire Boulding, I'm more balding. That's from Johnny. That was actually Jordan North's joke from Wimbledon when we did— was it the first or second year that we did Wimbledon together?

Jordan 0:02:40 Did I do that on air?

William 0:02:41 You did do that on air, yes.

Jordan 0:02:43 Oh, it's a good one.

William 0:02:44 It is a very good one. You've got a little Post-it note on your script.

Jordan 0:02:47 Yeah, no, just a little idea. Oh, okay.

William 0:02:51 I'm very distracted by that. Would you like a gin and a— oh gosh, yeah, ice all over the table. Would you like a gin and a bonnet?

Jordan 0:02:58 Yeah, do you want me to be Mother?

William 0:02:59 All right, go on. Seeing as you had opinions Depends on how much—

Jordan 0:03:02 Oh, it's a wet one. I'm gonna get some in here. Some fibre tablets.

William 0:03:10 Oh, there is.

Jordan 0:03:10 Are we out of Dubonnet?

William 0:03:13 No, no, there is. I just don't think this has been kept in the fridge.

Jordan 0:03:17 Why? I'll be fine.

William 0:03:18 No. Oh god, I just can't bring myself to drink that.

Jordan 0:03:22 Why?

William 0:03:22 I'm gonna use— there is a tiny bit in this bottle. You'll be fine with that. You eat Combeefash, so… You—

Jordan 0:03:28 Oh, it does smell a bit fermented.

William 0:03:30 Look at the difference in colour.

Speaker E 0:03:32 Is there a lump in that? Oh, I can't have that.

William 0:03:35 Oh, no. Oh.

Jordan 0:03:36 Can I have a fresh— oh, no, actually, let me try it.

Speaker E 0:03:39 Oh, no, I'm not sure. Hi, guys. No. Was there actually a lump in that?

William 0:03:45 Oof. Is there any other Tabasco? No.

Jordan 0:03:51 We've run out of Tabasco. We're dry. Even the glasses, even the bottle.

William 0:03:54 Stu says he's got D in the office in Manchester. He's got loads.

Jordan 0:03:58 What good is it in Manchester? It was caught in that jacket. I had to bring it down.

Speaker E 0:04:02 Oh no, I think there was like a mouldy lump.

William 0:04:05 No, Ben, I'm actually gonna throw up.

Speaker E 0:04:07 Oh, is that a mouse in there as well?

William 0:04:09 Shut up.

Jordan 0:04:10 Look, it's yours. They're the same.

William 0:04:12 They're not.

Jordan 0:04:13 Is that a bit browner?

William 0:04:16 Yeah. Should we share? I mean, you've got the flu, so should we share? I've got another glass. No.

Jordan 0:04:22 Is there any alternatives? Have we got any? I'll just have gin. Have we got any tonic?

William 0:04:26 Hang on, Sophia's—

Jordan 0:04:27 Soph, I'll have a gin and tonic.

William 0:04:29 We don't have tonic. What do you think this is, a bar?

Jordan 0:04:33 If you get another glass, please. Let me have another sip.

William 0:04:38 I'll have a cosmopolitan whilst we're at it.

Speaker E 0:04:40 Martini?

William 0:04:41 We don't have vermouth. Dry? Not that you need much.

Jordan 0:04:44 Tastes fine to me.

William 0:04:49 Thank you, Zofia.

Jordan 0:04:49 Okay.

Speaker E 0:04:50 Oh, we've got the cheap glassware out now.

Jordan 0:04:52 Should we do half?

William 0:04:53 Oh, okay, yeah, fair enough. Put some—

Jordan 0:04:55 Do you want a bit more gin?

William 0:04:59 No, this'll do me.

Jordan 0:05:01 Are you sure?

William 0:05:02 Yeah. Oh, that one makes me feel better.

Jordan 0:05:03 Let me try.

William 0:05:04 Right, whilst you try that, this week's toast goes—

Jordan 0:05:07 Oh, yeah, that one was definitely off.

William 0:05:09 Goes to Fern from Alison, who messaged in to say, hello boys, I was wondering if you'd be so kind to cheers The verb is toast. My daughter Fern on her 21st birthday. She's one of your biggest fans and has been to see your live shows and went on a solo trip to London from Edinburgh earlier this year to see William in the West End, who was also kind enough to stop for a photo after the show. Indeed, as I do every night. She's studying up in Edinburgh and living her best student life.

Jordan 0:05:34 I actually feel a bit sick. Oh no. Just let me have some water. Carry on.

William 0:05:37 She's up in Edinburgh living her best student life, but her sister, dad, and I miss her very much and hope she has the best time celebrating. Many thanks to you both for an always enjoyable and entertaining podcast that provides a welcome distraction from the daily commute. Well, Fern, from your mum, Alison, this is to you. Cheers.

Jordan 0:05:55 Cheers.

William 0:05:56 Happy birthday. Is that all right?

Jordan 0:06:02 Just gotta kick that, son. Yeah, just gotta kick that. Just gotta kick that.

William 0:06:05 Now, how are you?

Jordan 0:06:07 I'm good.

William 0:06:08 One week until your holiday.

Jordan 0:06:09 Yes.

William 0:06:10 Although normal service will resume.

Jordan 0:06:12 I'm ready.

William 0:06:14 uninterrupted on Sexted.

Jordan 0:06:15 I'm feeling very autumnal, very wintry because of El—

William 0:06:19 Autumnal and wintry?

Jordan 0:06:20 Yeah. What's it called? El— El Odino? What is it? El Niño. El Niño.

William 0:06:25 Who's El Niño?

Jordan 0:06:26 It's the weather event. It's the weather patterns. We're going to get a very cold, wet winter.

William 0:06:31 Oh, are we?

Jordan 0:06:32 Yeah.

William 0:06:33 Old El. El Niño sounds a bit Spanish, which sounds intrinsically warm.

Jordan 0:06:38 It is Spanish. It's— I think it's Mexican, actually. El Niño. So it means it's a weather pattern. So it means we're going to get a really cold winter. It means we'll have another hot summer. But yeah, it's coming. It's dangerous. El Niño.

William 0:06:51 Okay.

Jordan 0:06:52 I will hit you, the UK, because you treat our country with such disrespect.

Speaker E 0:06:56 It's not like— it's not a person.

Jordan 0:06:59 Playing bingo and having Sunday roasts in Benidorm. So I will piss on you with rain. I am a lion. It's from Peru. I am a weather event. Like Rodrigo. I am a lion. I am a lad. But yeah, um, I've not yet— I was very close. Jordan South went up to the thermometer. I know we do this every year, and he nearly put the heating on. And in my head, I could just hear my dad's voice going— oh, we should put an effect on now— going, put a jumper on if you're cold. I put a hoodie on.

William 0:07:33 We just did. We just put an effect on.

Jordan 0:07:35 Oh, did you? Wow. Yeah, put a jumper on if you're cold. Add a bit of echo to that. And I put Ollie on a blanket and I was fine. So, um, yeah, I bet you've got the heating on, haven't you?

William 0:07:46 Yes.

Jordan 0:07:47 I knew you would.

William 0:07:48 Yeah, I only turned up 1 degree.

Jordan 0:07:49 But it's not your fault you're southern.

William 0:07:51 Well, it's not— it's not saying to be— it's not your fault you're northern.

Jordan 0:07:55 I did say last year, stupidly, you don't need the heating on all the time. Obviously, if you're older and elderly, you do.

William 0:08:01 Oh yeah, don't be so literal.

Jordan 0:08:03 All I'll say is that when I put the heating on, I don't see the point personally, right? Okay. I don't see the point in having the heating on. Yeah. For just to sit in shorts and t-shirt in your house, right? It's bad for the environment. No, that is ridiculous.

William 0:08:18 Yes.

Jordan 0:08:18 But when I have it on, I have it on for like an hour in the morning and then 2 hours when you get home from work. So then it's nice and—

William 0:08:24 11 o'clock.

Jordan 0:08:25 Fire, crack on with fire. Cheeky. Don't wind me up. Fire, put the fire on. I don't mind, but I don't, I don't like being too hot in house. No. So I've not got the heating on yet, but it will be going on soon. Okay. It will be going on soon.

William 0:08:41 Will you let us know when?

Jordan 0:08:42 Always.

William 0:08:43 Or see if they can do a push notification to the phones.

Jordan 0:08:45 I will let everybody know. However, I— it is a must, and you might think it's a Jordan self, but I've got to have my towel rails on. Even in the summer, I need a heated towel. I've got to have a warm towel.

William 0:08:56 When it dries them after you've used them.

Jordan 0:08:58 Yeah, I've got to have my towel rails on.

Speaker E 0:09:00 Are you thinking of putting the heating on when you're on holiday in Skegness next week?

Jordan 0:09:04 No, when I get back. Oh, that's when the heating's on.

Speaker E 0:09:06 So you're not going to put the heating on on your holiday?

Jordan 0:09:08 No. Why would I do that?

Speaker E 0:09:09 Well, you're in Skegness.

Jordan 0:09:10 It's a country mosque, is it all right? It's quite cold.

Speaker E 0:09:13 No, I mean, on holiday.

William 0:09:14 Oh, when I'm on holiday in Skegness.

Speaker E 0:09:15 You know, because it'll be cold there.

Jordan 0:09:17 Of course. Yeah. Obviously somebody else's heating that I don't have to pay for. So.

William 0:09:22 Well, you're paying for it in your room rate, aren't you? Yeah, exactly.

Jordan 0:09:25 You're paying for that. So I've not got the heating on. I do like getting cold and stuff. However, everyone goes on about like pumpkin spice latte season.

William 0:09:34 Not everyone.

Jordan 0:09:34 And stuff like that. And, and like, like jumper season or whatever. Yeah. For me, it's bath season.

William 0:09:42 Okay.

Jordan 0:09:43 I've had 2 baths this week as I'm speaking to you right now, William. So, you're not in the bath? Where are you with— are you a bath person?

William 0:09:50 Yes, but not at home unless I'm deathly ill.

Jordan 0:09:52 You don't—

William 0:09:53 In a hotel, lovely. At home, I just think of all the things I could be doing unless I'm ill.

Jordan 0:10:01 Oh. baths. I bet you like a bath.

Speaker E 0:10:03 I've— I never used to, but now, 8:30, 9 PM, footie on.

William 0:10:09 Every day?

Speaker E 0:10:10 Quite a lot of days.

Jordan 0:10:11 I love a bath.

Speaker E 0:10:12 Kat is obsessed with baths, so I've got it off her.

Jordan 0:10:15 Do you ever get in together?

William 0:10:17 I think there's probably barely enough room for Ben in the bath, let alone Ben and Kat.

Jordan 0:10:21 Yeah. What end do you go? Tap end or—

William 0:10:24 No, because nobody goes at the tap end unless you're Chris Stark.

Jordan 0:10:28 Yeah. Well, I've got my taps in the middle so I can go in the middle.

William 0:10:32 Oh, she's a fancy bitch.

Jordan 0:10:34 So yeah, um, but I do, I do love a bath. Bit of Radox. Radox? Mr. Matey sometimes. He lives next door but one.

Speaker F 0:10:44 Do you and him fit in?

Jordan 0:10:45 Yeah, we get in. That's a Peter Kay joke. Um, can I ask you a personal question?

William 0:10:50 Yes.

Jordan 0:10:51 And I don't know if I need to go to the doctor about this.

William 0:10:54 Okay, it's not cleared up yet.

Jordan 0:10:55 No matter how many times I pop them down, do your balls ever just float back up?

William 0:11:01 I don't really think about it.

Jordan 0:11:04 Do yours do that, Ben? Just, I'll be fine, and just go pop. And I'm like, no.

Speaker F 0:11:11 What?

William 0:11:12 What? What do you want of me?

Speaker E 0:11:14 They pop up and they make a noise.

Jordan 0:11:17 They're not clipping, because they're hollow. I don't— that's what I mean. Is this normal?

William 0:11:21 I would maybe go to the doctor's. Or take a video of you in the bath and send it to the doctor.

Jordan 0:11:27 Like a Beyoncé-ay.

William 0:11:28 A Beyoncé-ay?

Jordan 0:11:30 What they're called. All the single ladies? You know, like those things in the sea? You know, when you swim out— A buoy. Yeah.

Speaker F 0:11:36 Beyoncé-ay. You know what else it is?

William 0:11:39 A buoyancy— You either mean a buoyancy-ay, which is a life jacket, or a buoy.

Speaker F 0:11:44 A Beyoncé-ay is elite level.

Jordan 0:11:47 What are they called? A beyond bouncer. What are they called?

William 0:11:50 A buoy.

Jordan 0:11:51 Right. You know when you swim out to the sea, and you get to it, and then you pull it down?

William 0:11:55 Some people say buoy, but it's buoy.

Jordan 0:11:57 Or if you've ever had an armband or one of those floats and pulled, and you sit on it, it pops back up.

William 0:12:02 Yes.

Jordan 0:12:03 Yeah.

William 0:12:03 Happens. Do your balls do that? I don't know, but I feel obliged to now have a bath, and I will report back.

Jordan 0:12:10 We film it for socials. No! Joe! Joe! Remind William to film his balls in the bath to see if they float back up.

William 0:12:18 Joe! Joe, block my number! That might be safer.

Jordan 0:12:22 But yeah, I do love a bath. So it's bath seat. I just love a bath. You can get all sorts done in bath.

William 0:12:27 Like what?

Jordan 0:12:29 Texts, books.

William 0:12:31 I do— to be fair, if I'm getting in the bath in a hotel, I will have a little flannel to dry my hands, because if you get your hands wet, you then can't break your phone.

Jordan 0:12:38 Yeah, I agree.

Speaker G 0:12:39 Oh yeah, absolutely.

William 0:12:40 Or if you're reading and you want to keep dry hands. Although then your hands go cold.

Speaker E 0:12:45 Do you think it's weird to let people know? Like, I do a lot of texting in the bath as well. That's when I catch up on my life admin.

Jordan 0:12:51 Same. Same.

William 0:12:52 Relax. And do you think it's— You have been texting me in the evening.

Speaker E 0:12:54 Do you think it's weird to let people know that you're like naked? I always feel a little bit weird.

William 0:12:59 You don't, but you wouldn't in any other context go, I'm sending you this text on the tube. I'm sending you this text from my desk. You don't need— I don't need the context.

Jordan 0:13:09 I have it at the end of emails, sent from my bath.

Speaker H 0:13:11 So I might be naked at the time of writing.

Jordan 0:13:14 Do you have a little thing in middle? They're handy, them, aren't they? I've considered it. What are they called?

William 0:13:19 A bath shelf.

Jordan 0:13:20 Is that what they're called?

William 0:13:22 Possibly. It's what they're called now.

Jordan 0:13:23 Yeah, they're really handy. Do you have one? Yeah.

William 0:13:25 What do you put on it? I'm surprised it fits over the taps.

Jordan 0:13:27 Put my little bits in and stuff. And when you lather yourself up in the bath, do you stand up to do it?

William 0:13:33 What? What are you doing?

Jordan 0:13:35 And then get back in.

William 0:13:37 No, because if you've got your Radox in there, that's going to clean you.

Jordan 0:13:40 No, I don't. See, I disagree. And I'd love your opinion. Joe! Put this as a poll. You get in the bath, you have to stand up and then put the shower gel on and lather yourself up.

William 0:13:51 Do it again, but butch.

Jordan 0:13:52 And then get in. Now, how do you wash your hair? Do you do it and then dunk?

William 0:13:56 No, I don't wash my hair if I'm in the bath.

Jordan 0:13:58 Why?

William 0:13:58 I then go in the shower.

Jordan 0:13:59 You get a bath and then a shower?

William 0:14:02 Yeah, I don't wash my hair in the bath.

Jordan 0:14:04 It's dangerous.

William 0:14:05 Well, no, because it's full of like bath oils or Epsom salts or something, so I don't want to put my hair in that.

Jordan 0:14:09 Did your mum ever used to bath you on a Sunday and use the same bloody jug she made gravy in and stuff? Do you remember the plastic, the big plastic jug? That is how you know if you're common. There was a jug in it, you know, the plastic jug that your mum made gravy in. We never had one of those glass Pyrex ones. It was always quite stained because she'd make scrambled eggs in it as well.

Speaker I 0:14:28 Oh, I see.

Jordan 0:14:30 And then she'd use the jug and put it back and wash your hair, and then my dad would just dunk you.

William 0:14:36 Yeah, your dad used to dunk me as well.

Jordan 0:14:40 What?

William 0:14:40 No, no, no, don't read into that.

Jordan 0:14:42 It's just like that. But yeah, I'm really into baths at the moment.

William 0:14:46 Okay, well, that's good. Yeah, especially if you're not turning on the heating, you've got to keep warm.

Jordan 0:14:51 Sunday afternoon, put the— I put the iPad on the toilet. Oh, hygienic. And then watch the footy, and it's great in a bath.

Speaker E 0:15:00 Cup of tea as well in the bath.

Jordan 0:15:03 Oh, no.

Speaker E 0:15:05 Like a little relaxing herbal tea.

Jordan 0:15:07 I'd rather have a Coke Zero, gin and tonic, or a beer.

William 0:15:09 I, Mikey did bring me a martini once last year in the bath.

Jordan 0:15:13 Gets you more pissed.

William 0:15:14 Yeah. Our friend suggested that and I got him to, uh, I said, that's a good idea. You want to bring me one?

Jordan 0:15:18 Can't have a brew. Can't have hot and hot. Yeah. It's well nice. Do you ever eat in the bath?

William 0:15:23 No.

Jordan 0:15:23 It's been known.

Speaker E 0:15:24 Yeah, I've done that when Cat's out.

Jordan 0:15:27 In fact, quite often. Oh, you are wild. Yeah, I'm just really into me baths. It's bath season for me.

William 0:15:32 Well, good, good.

Jordan 0:15:34 Anyway, any loved ones listening, get me some nice bath, bubble bath for Christmas. I'll be well happy with that.

William 0:15:40 You see, I prefer a bath oil. I think bubble bath, bit childish.

Jordan 0:15:43 What about a bath bomb?

William 0:15:45 I mean, beyond, I'd rather bubble bath than bath bomb.

Jordan 0:15:49 I don't mind a bath bomb.

William 0:15:49 One of those, I'm not going to mention the shop, but you know what I mean, where you walk past it and you can't breathe. Because I feel so— I love that shop. Of course you do.

Jordan 0:15:57 I'm so— you bought me a face mask from there years ago.

William 0:15:59 I still use that. Do you? What, even in your 30s? Yeah. Well, you need something a bit stronger than that, love.

Jordan 0:16:06 Oh, bloody hell.

William 0:16:07 Well, you do, because your skin ages.

Speaker E 0:16:10 I get the ick if I'm in the bath with no bubble bath and I can see my own body, but I don't know if that's just my own self-esteem.

William 0:16:17 Oh, oh darling.

Jordan 0:16:20 What was I gonna say to you then?

William 0:16:22 Face masks?

Jordan 0:16:24 Bath bombs?

William 0:16:24 No, it's ageing. The staff in that shop can't breathe. Well, I do. I think, you know, I can't breathe when I walk past it. I'm in it. Sophia's laughing.

Speaker E 0:16:32 Maybe that's why they always come up to you in the shop. They were like, do you need any help?

Speaker H 0:16:36 I just want you to say, do you need any help?

Jordan 0:16:38 Oh, that was it. That was it. It's one of my funniest clips ever. Have you seen the Scottish woman that drops a bath bomb in the bath? She drops it in and then—

William 0:16:48 Bath bomb in the bath.

Jordan 0:16:49 A bath bomb in the bath. And out the back, her husband goes, was that a jobbie? It's the funniest clip ever.

William 0:16:56 It's always Scottish, isn't it?

Jordan 0:16:57 You've never seen it? It's good. Let me show it you.

William 0:17:00 No, no, no. You've done a faithful recreation of it.

Jordan 0:17:04 She drops it in, and drops in, it goes— and her husband goes, is that a jobbie? A jobbie's Scottish for—

William 0:17:10 Oh yeah, a big job.

Jordan 0:17:12 It's one of them, yeah.

William 0:17:13 Can I just move things on into— Yeah, how's your week been? Well, fine. I promise you more AI chat. LA. LA. You said AI. Well, I have got AI chat actually in a minute, but I'll do LA first. I'll start with that initialism. You know, we've talked about Trader Joe tote bags.

Jordan 0:17:31 Yes.

William 0:17:32 And they're very popular. In fact, to your former producer Tom and his partner Tom, we gave them Trader Joe tote bags, the Gas Gays, when we went and—

Jordan 0:17:41 Shit! I need to pay. How much do I owe you for that?

William 0:17:44 Oh, now? I don't know, a million?

Jordan 0:17:45 A gas. I've given up. I've still gotta pay. Remind me, I've gotta pay for that barbecue gas. Go on.

William 0:17:50 But remember that, that person a few weeks ago said it was very boring when we continued that joke. So, on his personal recommendation, we stopped doing it. I do.

Jordan 0:17:58 I hate owing money, so I'm gonna pay you for that.

William 0:18:00 Clearly.

Jordan 0:18:01 I do. I do. Clearly.

William 0:18:02 Such a bugbear.

Jordan 0:18:03 A North pays his debts.

Speaker E 0:18:05 What date was the barbecue?

William 0:18:06 August. August.

Jordan 0:18:10 I owe you for that. Go on anyway.

William 0:18:12 And we are now in— when are we? November. Yes, the 3rd of November at time of transmitting. Anyway, Trader Joe tote bags. Trader Joe's, perfectly nice supermarket in the US. However, I have discovered something even better. It makes Trader Joe's look like an ASDA. Have you heard of Erewhon?

Jordan 0:18:32 No, but it sounds fancy.

William 0:18:35 Jordan, let me show you some photos. It is extraordinary at certain times of year.

Jordan 0:18:39 Supermarket?

William 0:18:40 It's a supermarket.

Jordan 0:18:41 Is it like a Waitrose of America?

William 0:18:42 It may— I would say it makes Waitrose, again, look like an Asda. This is the one in West Hollywood I went to.

Jordan 0:18:50 Oh, wow. Oh, I have heard of that!

William 0:18:52 They have a whole aisle of water.

Jordan 0:18:54 I've got a candle from there.

William 0:18:56 Have you?

Jordan 0:18:56 Yeah, I thought it was earwax.

William 0:18:58 Look at the— I mean, I don't like how much plastic packaging there is, I will be honest.

Jordan 0:19:01 I have got one of them.

William 0:19:03 It's nice. And they do a lovely—

Jordan 0:19:05 You've gotta get the cookies from there. Lee, my friend Lee, brought me some cookies back from there. Right. Yeah.

William 0:19:10 Look at all the veg and how they just Doesn't it look nice? Wow. Which is gorge. And then I had a ham, cheese, and egg croissant.

Jordan 0:19:19 Is it called Erewhon?

William 0:19:20 Erewhon? Erewhon? Erewhon.

Jordan 0:19:21 I've got a candle from there.

William 0:19:23 They do a Zara Larsson smoothie.

Jordan 0:19:25 Oh.

William 0:19:25 And a Hailey Bieber smoothie.

Jordan 0:19:26 That gives you a lush life.

William 0:19:28 It does. And I had the Hailey Bieber smoothie.

Jordan 0:19:30 Wow.

William 0:19:30 And they have lovely tote bags.

Jordan 0:19:32 So it's all about— Oh, did you get a tote bag?

William 0:19:34 Yep.

Jordan 0:19:34 Did you bring us all one back?

William 0:19:36 Nope. Not at that price, no.

Jordan 0:19:38 Christ. Sorry. Oh, okay.

William 0:19:39 They do tote bags of different sizes, of different price points. And a bit like certain airlines, they have an executive club where if you spend so much, you can then skip the queues.

Jordan 0:19:50 Shut up. I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that. Oh, shut up. No, that's—

William 0:19:54 You'll be signing up.

Speaker J 0:19:56 Bang out of order.

Jordan 0:19:58 So, if you're an executive member, you can skip the queue?

William 0:20:01 If you spend more than a certain amount in this supermarket, you can just bypass the queue.

Jordan 0:20:05 That's rid— I, I would never do that on principle.

William 0:20:09 Well, it's America, everything's about money.

Jordan 0:20:11 That is ridiculous. That goes against everything I stand for. Where'd you do your big shop? Let me ask you a— What, in this country?

William 0:20:20 Waitrose.

Jordan 0:20:20 Ben?

Speaker E 0:20:21 Sainsbury's.

William 0:20:23 Oh.

Jordan 0:20:25 Jack?

William 0:20:25 Sainsbury's.

Jordan 0:20:26 Do you do Sainsbury's?

William 0:20:27 Where'd you do yours, Jordan?

Jordan 0:20:28 Stuart? Tesco. Tesco.

William 0:20:30 Sophia? Sainsbury's.

Jordan 0:20:33 Sainsbury's.

Speaker E 0:20:33 We've got one close to us.

William 0:20:35 Yeah, you just— to be fair, Waitrose is our nearest supermarket, so we go there. I'm not going to schlep somewhere else. Jordan?

Jordan 0:20:42 Well, it's obvious, but I am in the Everything Store near me every other day.

William 0:20:45 Right.

Jordan 0:20:46 Getting bits.

William 0:20:47 Okay.

Speaker K 0:20:47 The Everything Store.

William 0:20:49 We can get everything.

Jordan 0:20:51 You know, the Everything Store—

William 0:20:53 Although ironically not gas.

Jordan 0:20:54 They do massive buzz balls in there now. Oh yeah? Yeah. Weren't we drinking them at my barbecue?

William 0:20:59 Someone brought them. Someone brought them.

Jordan 0:21:00 Yeah, they got them from the Everything Store.

William 0:21:01 Anyway, Erewhon. Erewhon bags. They're the bee's knees. I'll post a picture of me with my tote bag. I was very excited by it. Um, other Lele story. Guess who's my new friend?

Jordan 0:21:11 Somebody I hate?

William 0:21:13 You'll never guess, but think pants.

Jordan 0:21:15 Pants?

William 0:21:17 Not— that's British pants, not American pants.

Speaker E 0:21:19 Captain Underpants?

William 0:21:21 No.

Jordan 0:21:22 Calvin Klein?

William 0:21:22 Correct.

Jordan 0:21:23 You met Calvin Klein?

William 0:21:24 So, I was in a restaurant with some friends. Sure up. And coming towards me was Calvin and his friend Kevin.

Jordan 0:21:30 Calvin and his friend Kevin.

William 0:21:33 And—

Speaker E 0:21:33 Calvin and his friend Klein.

Jordan 0:21:35 Calvin Kevin.

William 0:21:37 No, no. And I said to my friend, I went, oh, that's Calvin Klein. And then Kevin, his friend, went, William, hello. I went, hello. He went, we love your videos. And we had a nice little chat.

Jordan 0:21:49 Calvin Klein and his friend Kevin?

William 0:21:51 Yeah. Hmm.

Jordan 0:21:53 Oh!

William 0:21:53 Yeah.

Jordan 0:21:55 Get away.

William 0:21:57 Yeah, so we had a lovely chat.

Jordan 0:21:59 Did he ask—

William 0:21:59 Exchanged numbers.

Jordan 0:22:00 How— What? Did he ask how I was?

William 0:22:03 No, no, he likes the etiquette videos. Oh.

Jordan 0:22:06 Yeah.

William 0:22:07 Well, I assume— Actually, no, no, to be fair. To be fair, he didn't clarify. I just, based on the numbers, assumed.

Jordan 0:22:15 That's all right.

William 0:22:16 Yeah. And I'm big in America.

Jordan 0:22:18 Come on. My biggest audience is American.

William 0:22:21 Yeah.

Jordan 0:22:21 Well, I seen Dolce& Gabbana in Pret last week.

William 0:22:24 What?

Jordan 0:22:24 Yeah.

William 0:22:25 Dolce?

Jordan 0:22:26 And she said hello.

William 0:22:28 I think, wasn't it?

Jordan 0:22:29 Gabbana wasn't really interested, but Dolce loves our videos. So yeah, she had an egg butty from Pret.

William 0:22:36 I doubt that very much. That's carbohydrates. I very much doubt that she did.

Jordan 0:22:40 Yeah. So. Dolce says hello. Big fan of the podcast.

William 0:22:42 Hello, Dolce. Yeah. I call her Dolce.

Jordan 0:22:45 Dolce.

William 0:22:46 Because we're like that. Anyway, so that was quite cool. It was a bit surreal, actually. Especially going from, oh, that's that person. And we were quite far away at this point. And as we cross, we were sort of crossing paths.

Jordan 0:22:55 There's a great Vogue documentary on—

William 0:22:58 Oh, is there?

Jordan 0:22:58 On Disney. You'd love it. Have I not told you?

William 0:23:01 A Vogue documentary on Disney?

Jordan 0:23:02 Disney Plus about Vogue and Calvin Klein's on it loads. It's amazing. It's like Vogue from when Anna Wintour took over in the '90s up until now. It's fantastic. Oh, that sounds right up my street. It's on Disney Plus. Really good.

William 0:23:13 Okay.

Jordan 0:23:14 Came out a couple of years ago.

Speaker E 0:23:15 Did you watch that before watching the football?

Jordan 0:23:16 Yeah. See, I'm a broad church.

Speaker L 0:23:21 I know, it's nice.

Jordan 0:23:22 Okay.

Speaker E 0:23:23 It's nice. I always thought that Calvin Klein was someone like Aunt Bessie, just like made up.

William 0:23:28 No, Calvin Klein is an actual person.

Jordan 0:23:31 Wow. Okay.

William 0:23:33 But Betty Crocker was a real person. Who does all this other premade cakes. She was real.

Jordan 0:23:38 Any more? Any more? What else been going on?

William 0:23:41 Well, let's talk about all our Halloween stuff has gone out because last week was Halloween. We've endured it. We got through it. And including our tour of Stephen's house and gardens. Now, there was a bit, for those that haven't seen it, there was a moment where we were in the dining room, And you were touched by a spectre.

Jordan 0:24:02 I freaked out. Here's a clip of it. I absolutely shit myself.

William 0:24:07 Well, you'll be quite obvious when people watch this what happened.

Speaker M 0:24:10 So in Henry's day, this would have been the dining room. But Henry was one of the first people to put electri—

Speaker N 0:24:16 Oh my God, what was that? Was that you?

William 0:24:18 No.

Jordan 0:24:19 Don't fucking— don't wind me up. Was that you?

William 0:24:21 No.

Jordan 0:24:22 Was that him?

Speaker M 0:24:24 I don't know. Are you being serious?

Jordan 0:24:26 What happened?

William 0:24:28 Did you just touch me? No, what happened? Did someone touch you? I promise, promise that wasn't me.

Speaker I 0:24:32 Are you— are you— did he just touch me?

Speaker M 0:24:35 I didn't see anything. Sorry, Jordan.

Speaker O 0:24:38 Are you being— are you being fucking serious?

William 0:24:41 Yes.

Speaker O 0:24:41 I'm sorry to swear.

Jordan 0:24:43 Is that normal?

Speaker M 0:24:45 I'm proper— I have no concern with anything that might be going on.

Speaker I 0:24:49 No, you're winding me up. Did you just touch me then?

William 0:24:52 No. No one touched you.

Speaker M 0:24:54 No one touched you.

Speaker I 0:24:55 I'm not even fucking— whoa.

William 0:25:00 Whoa. Now come on. No. Don't be silly.

Speaker M 0:25:02 There's nothing to be scared of.

Jordan 0:25:04 That has still freaked me out to this day.

William 0:25:06 But you can quite clearly see, and when we went for a drink a few weeks ago, I said at the end of the thing, by the way—

Jordan 0:25:12 Yeah, we had a drink. We went out for a drink after recording, had a proper artsy one.

William 0:25:15 2 drinks, actually.

Jordan 0:25:17 Yeah.

William 0:25:17 I didn't bruise after Boatshocks, by the way.

Jordan 0:25:19 Oh yeah, he was really worried. He's going, I can't have another. I'm getting Botox off this one. Oh, it'll be right. You'll be fine. Yeah. And you said to me— By the way, I've got something to say.

William 0:25:28 I did touch you.

Jordan 0:25:29 Right. I can rest easy. Yeah. Thank God. So, it was you.

William 0:25:32 But you can clearly see in the clip, I just sort of went around and thought, I'll never get away with this because he's obviously going to see it's me. And then I then actually realised, no, he doesn't realise it's me. And Malcolm, our wonderful guide, was playing along. I think he saw me touch you. And I thought, What would be ridiculous? It'd make good entertainment. I'll just continue though. And just a bare-faced lie to your face.

Jordan 0:25:53 I shit myself. And then I was going home and I was like, I've always had a sixth sense since I was a child and stuff, honestly. And I, I've been like looking into going on courses and stuff, genuinely.

William 0:26:07 Don't say you talked to Yvette Fielding about it.

Jordan 0:26:09 No, but I was like, I was on like weird forums because I always I've told you not to look at those. No, like, honestly, it's not funny because I was like, I got touched and I thought it was a ghost trying to contact me.

Speaker F 0:26:24 And I was like, just there on the floor. I've been touched. I've been touched by a ghost.

Jordan 0:26:31 It is, right? And then it remembers, right? Because obviously we had the gay ghost. Yeah.

William 0:26:35 Yeah.

Jordan 0:26:35 But when I was younger, a doctor with a polka dot bag used to come and visit me.

William 0:26:40 What's this?

Jordan 0:26:40 Right. No, I know you're laughing. No, we're not.

William 0:26:45 A doctor with a polka dot bag.

Jordan 0:26:48 Used to come and visit me in the middle of the night. And it brought all that back. And I've always, I've walked into rooms and stuff. I've told you about—

William 0:26:58 Well, we've all walked into rooms.

Jordan 0:27:00 And felt it. I told you about when I stayed at— What are you doing?

Speaker H 0:27:03 Why are you feeling yourself?

Jordan 0:27:04 Because my 6 senses are going. That's why I'm— So I generally thought there was a ghost trying to contact me, and I've like been looking into it.

William 0:27:12 No, I just tapped you on the shoulder.

Jordan 0:27:13 Some tarot cards that I've ordered and everything, 'cause I was like, I maybe need to look into it. And then I remember we stayed at my mate's house, I told you, didn't I?

William 0:27:21 Yeah.

Jordan 0:27:22 And I woke up, went for a wee.

William 0:27:23 And it was his grandma.

Jordan 0:27:24 And his grandma put me back to bed, and I said as I got in. And so I thought it was— Well, you—

William 0:27:30 I don't want to diminish that. Maybe you still do.

Jordan 0:27:32 I hope not, 'cause I'm too scared. I don't wanna— if there's any ghosts listening, I'm not interested. I'm not up for that. I've got enough going on as it is. without being a medium. If anything, I'm a large.

William 0:27:42 You've just— okay, fine. That was the— okay, Steve Allen's joke that we talked about.

Jordan 0:27:48 Yeah. But yeah, so I genuinely went home that night and was like, I—

William 0:27:52 Sorry, that was me.

Jordan 0:27:53 I see dead people.

William 0:27:54 Hmm.

Jordan 0:27:55 So—

William 0:27:55 You don't.

Jordan 0:27:56 That wasn't a very nice joke. So you can watch that on our Patreon, but I genuinely shit myself. If just— it was a slight touch.

William 0:28:03 Yes, it wasn't— if I'd gone quite heavily, I think you would have immediately known it wasn't.

Jordan 0:28:08 That's why I get scared. Some people love it. I don't want to be in contact with the dead.

William 0:28:12 Do you not?

Speaker E 0:28:14 It's your cross to bear.

Jordan 0:28:15 I dream about dead people all the time. Oh. Yeah. Sorry, it's taken a downturn.

William 0:28:21 It's taken a turn. Should we cheer us up with the Jolly Joke of the Week?

Jordan 0:28:24 I always find feathers as well.

William 0:28:26 What? In bed?

Jordan 0:28:28 Find a feather and it's like someone in your life.

Speaker E 0:28:32 I think you've just got like a leaky cushion.

William 0:28:34 No!

Jordan 0:28:35 Bird feather.

William 0:28:36 You've run over a duck or something.

Speaker N 0:28:37 That is a bird feather. Bird feather.

Jordan 0:28:39 I always find them and that's someone's dirty day.

William 0:28:41 Well, yeah. What feathers do you think are in your pillows?

Jordan 0:28:43 My pillows? From IKEA.

William 0:28:46 I'm sure IKEA sell feather pillows.

Jordan 0:28:48 They might do. Right, do you want a jolly joke of the week?

William 0:28:51 Please. Here's the jingle.

Speaker P 0:28:52 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

William 0:29:08 Oi.

Jordan 0:29:10 Alright, oh, there's a few from, uh, this guy's Mr. Fandango. I think we might have read a few of his before. Mr. Fandango on Insta. What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral? And I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

Jordan 0:32:42 Alright, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. It's time for Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. This one's from Mr. Fandango on Instagram. It says, what does a necrophiliac get at her funeral? Mourning wood.

William 0:32:55 Oh. Oh my goodness. Wow.

Jordan 0:32:58 It's a bit harsh, that.

William 0:33:00 Hmm.

Speaker E 0:33:01 That's a little more illegal.

Jordan 0:33:03 Where do Irish lesbians like to meet? Oh. At the Gaelic bar.

Speaker F 0:33:07 That's rubbish.

William 0:33:12 A few nods in the studio.

Jordan 0:33:14 What does licking fanny and the mafia have in common?

William 0:33:19 I don't know.

Jordan 0:33:21 I think we might have done this one. One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

William 0:33:25 Oh.

Jordan 0:33:28 Well, I don't feel like they've gone down well this week.

William 0:33:29 No, I think Mr. Fandango doesn't need to contribute anymore.

Jordan 0:33:32 All right, here we go. This one's from Jordan on Instagram. What do you call a woman who burns her bills?

William 0:33:40 What?

Jordan 0:33:41 What? Oh, what do you call— this is a nice clean one. Okay. What do you call a woman who burns her bills?

William 0:33:48 As in her invoices and things? I don't know.

Jordan 0:33:51 Bernadette.

Speaker E 0:33:55 I think it should be a different Word as burns in any way.

William 0:34:01 Yeah, who sets fire to— Yeah, exactly. Thank you, William. Bernadette.

Speaker E 0:34:05 Bernadette, because then you don't repeat the burn word. All right. It works a bit better, just for next time.

Jordan 0:34:09 Um, what ones do you want to cut from there? All of them. All right, well, I think they've gone down like a lead balloon this week. Did I tell anyone about the shoes?

William 0:34:19 No.

Jordan 0:34:19 I will lead on with this one. I'm sure I have. I was trying some shoes on in Clark's and they said they don't fit. He said, try it with tongue out. I said, we should've done it first.

William 0:34:28 Yes, you have done that.

Jordan 0:34:29 Alright, I'm done.

William 0:34:30 That's a fun one, though.

Jordan 0:34:31 I'm done. I'm done.

William 0:34:32 Okay.

Speaker Q 0:34:32 What, forever?

Jordan 0:34:34 No! Oh, sorry. It's a very popular segment, Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Thank you very much.

Speaker E 0:34:39 I wasn't excited.

Jordan 0:34:40 It's a very popular segment.

William 0:34:43 In your postcode.

Jordan 0:34:45 What?

William 0:34:46 In your own postcode.

Jordan 0:34:48 Right, before we get onto your modern-day problems and dilemmas, tomorrow we've got another Patreon episode.

William 0:34:53 Yes, that's right. Premium members of our Patreon channel, Help I Sexed My Boss Out of Office. Ooh! Get brand new episodes every Wednesday. There's also the free group chat you can join at any time.

Jordan 0:35:02 Last Wednesday, we went and had the willies put up us at a haunted house.

William 0:35:07 Yes, and tomorrow's episode, we have opened ourselves up again for another round of Ask Us Anything.

Jordan 0:35:12 All you gotta do is head to helpisexmyboss.com/patreon and watch and listen there.

William 0:35:18 Can I talk about the script? What's happened to Comic Sans? I thought she liked Comic Sans, or is that not happening full-time? Did you like Comic Sans?

Jordan 0:35:25 No, I'm happy with this.

William 0:35:26 Okay, fine. I just wondered.

Jordan 0:35:28 All right. Right now, it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss on the socials.

William 0:35:43 Okay, this is from Sam. Hello, William Jordan and the Sex Ed gang. I have an office question which may divide the studio. Oh. Leg shaking. When is enough enough? There is a colleague who sits opposite me. Let's call him Carl. He's not the nicest person on the planet and tends to think primarily of himself. He always also shakes his legs. And when I say always, I mean always. Now, I appreciate that people often can't help it. It could be a nervous twitch, anxiety, or simply a habit. However, no matter how many times I ask him to stop, he'll stop for about 5 minutes before starting again. Normally, it wouldn't bother me, However, the way he sits and shakes his leg causes my desk chair and monitors to physically shake. It gets to the point where I feel sick because I can't properly focus on my screen. So, what is the correct course of action here? Yours faithfully, a loyal GNDiver, Sam.

Jordan 0:36:30 It could be anxiety, ADHD as well. Leg shaking, twitching. Absolutely. I think you've already asked him, he can't stop. You've got to go to your manager.

William 0:36:41 Or you've got to move desks. Yeah. Move away from him.

Jordan 0:36:43 Go to your manager, move desks, move away from him, especially if he's making you feel sick. Like, you've already addressed it, which is the hardest part, and just say, look, I'm really sorry. I know you can't help it, but it makes me feel sick. So yeah, I'd just go to your line manager, HR, see if you can move desks. Say, I want to move desks.

William 0:36:59 Yeah.

Jordan 0:36:59 Sounds like it's really getting on your nerves.

William 0:37:02 Yeah. I mean, medically, he probably might need to get himself checked out because all our legs shake from time to time, but not constantly, as you're saying, this person.

Jordan 0:37:10 I don't even know if I'm lying down or in bed or what's happening. Hmm. They rub.

William 0:37:15 Your feet rub?

Jordan 0:37:15 My feet are just constantly rubbing. I don't even know I'm doing it. So like, if I have no shoes or socks on, I'll be led on.

William 0:37:21 Have you Googled that, what that means?

Jordan 0:37:23 ADHD. Yeah, and it's just like, ah, I just, I don't even know I'm doing it. And they call it, what do they call it, not twitching? Weird. Uh, it's like a thing. I just do it constantly.

William 0:37:33 Yeah, no, I would, Sam, I'd move desks. I think that's probably the only course of action you can do. He says, I don't know how many desks there are in your office. You could be an office of 4, so who knows. This is from anonymous. To my darlings in the Sexton team, and in particular the delectable Diego, I have quite the dilemma that I'd love your help with. I've been dating my boyfriend for several months and everything had been going swimmingly. However, we recently went to stay at his mother's house for the first time. It was quite a spontaneous trip, so I hurriedly packed a wash kit and overnight bag to bring with me. Unfortunately, in a rush, I completely forgot to pack any deodorant. I improvised, and after taking a shower, I some spray deodorant that belonged to his mother from the cupboard. When I went back to my boyfriend's company, I didn't mention this minor issue as it seemed so irrelevant. As the evening went on, we ended up cuddled up together and he took a big sniff of me and says, mmm, smells like sex. As you can imagine, I froze in this moment and didn't dare mention that the smell was actually the deodorant of his own mother.

Jordan 0:38:32 Oh Christ. We proceeded to get intimate. Oh, that's so disgusting.

William 0:38:35 Yes, in the Jordan fashion. And it was the most passionate he'd ever been. On reflection, I do look somewhat like his mother. Tall, blonde, long hair. So my question is, do I run for the hills and completely vanish on this man? Do I bring it up and address the issue head-on, which is what his mother would do? He'd probably love that. Or do I pretend this never happened and try to bury this deep into my subconscious? All my love, Anonymous.

Jordan 0:38:56 That's brilliant. That's weird and brilliant. But it's—

William 0:39:00 I think bury it.

Jordan 0:39:01 Yeah.

William 0:39:03 I'm all for going to therapy, but bury that.

Jordan 0:39:05 Bury that. And if he asks again, say, do you know that smell you had on? just say, it was your mum's deodorant. So, and it'll— that'll cut into it. But Barry, you don't need to say it. Don't say, you know that wild sex we had that time? Because that'll send him into a spiral.

William 0:39:21 You'd, you'd hope it would.

Jordan 0:39:22 But if he says, you know that sex we had that time and you had a smell on? Can you like get that one and go, just to let you know, it was your mum's deodorant? That'll put an end to it. However, people walk past me, like I'll be on the tube or go past me and what have you, and I'll be like, oh, it smells like my mum. My mum wears Chanel No. 5, so, which is quite popular.

William 0:39:43 Marilyn Monroe.

Jordan 0:39:44 So every time I smell Chanel No. 5, it reminds me of my mum. Oh, not in a weird way.

William 0:39:49 No.

Jordan 0:39:49 But I always just, I just always, I get it every Christmas, and my grandma wears it as well.

William 0:39:53 Oh yeah.

Jordan 0:39:54 So every time I go, oh, I won't get one free. Yeah, let's go. Oh, I'm going to come in one week and wear Chanel That will do all, yeah.

William 0:40:02 Next time I dress up as your mum.

Jordan 0:40:03 Yeah. Chanel No. 5.

William 0:40:05 Liberal spray.

Jordan 0:40:06 What does your mum wear?

William 0:40:07 Uh, it's an Yves Saint Laurent Rive Gauche.

Jordan 0:40:10 I don't know what you've just said to me, but it sounds fancy.

William 0:40:12 It's in a blue and black packaging. She's always worn it.

Jordan 0:40:16 Do you know the best smelling lady I've ever smelt? My next door neighbour Maureen.

William 0:40:21 Okay, what does she wear? Have you asked her?

Jordan 0:40:23 I have started to forget every time, but she says She's often complimented on it. It's beautiful. She always wears it.

William 0:40:30 Nice.

Jordan 0:40:32 Lovely.

Speaker E 0:40:33 Yeah. I've never been complimented on my smell.

Jordan 0:40:35 No. You don't wear aftershave. Yeah, I do. Do you?

William 0:40:38 What do you wear?

Speaker R 0:40:39 Oh, what do I wear?

William 0:40:42 I mean, you can't even remember it. So, I mean, no wonder, because you've clearly just picked the first available thing.

Jordan 0:40:47 Persil.

William 0:40:49 We need to find a scent.

Jordan 0:40:50 I need petrol.

William 0:40:50 A scent for Ben.

Jordan 0:40:51 But we've talked about this before.

William 0:40:53 Please. Jupe.

Jordan 0:40:55 Blue Jeans, remember them?

William 0:40:58 Lynx Africa.

Jordan 0:40:58 I used to, used to— I've gone through stages. Remember 212? I used to love that.

William 0:41:02 It's a football formation, isn't it?

Jordan 0:41:04 No, no, no, God no. I used to wear that. But, um, we just go easy on the aftershave. People are spraying too much at the moment and it's so overpowering, especially oud. There's a big strong smell of oud.

William 0:41:14 Oh, I don't want to smell your oud.

Jordan 0:41:16 No. Yeah, what do you smell? Come here, I'll be able to tell you. Come here. I can't remember. Get your headphones off and come here, I'll tell you.

William 0:41:22 Jack, what do you wear? Calvin Klein. Calvin— oh, close personal friend. Yep.

Jordan 0:41:27 We'll tell him you said hello.

William 0:41:29 Calvin Klein what?

Jordan 0:41:30 Come here.

William 0:41:31 One.

Jordan 0:41:31 Come here. Oh! Oh, sorry. I know what that is.

William 0:41:39 Come on.

Jordan 0:41:40 It's talc. I actually don't know. You've not got enough on. Oh! No, you kiss it.

William 0:41:46 I can't smell anything, if I'm honest. I've either got COVID… Or talc.

Speaker E 0:41:52 Well, William says that you can only do 2 pumps. No, dude. Was that something else? Was that about something else?

William 0:41:57 Ben, I told you not to say—

Jordan 0:41:58 It's like 3 pumps that I do.

Speaker E 0:42:03 Anyway. I got it in the airport. Okay, I need to—

William 0:42:06 man who buys fragrance in the airport.

Jordan 0:42:08 I get mine from the airport. Also, top tip, Gene Divas, if you're going on a really nice holiday, yeah, get a spritz yourself. Pardon?

William 0:42:16 What? Spritz yourself.

Jordan 0:42:16 No, no, no, no, no. No, this is a really good tip. Get a new aftershave, spray yourself with it, and then every time you use it again, it reminds you of that holiday.

Speaker E 0:42:28 That's why I did it. That's why I did it.

Jordan 0:42:30 I've got one that reminds me of Skegness.

William 0:42:33 Nice. We did, like, everyone's scents.

Speaker S 0:42:37 We did it as a thing.

William 0:42:38 Oh, yeah. Jack is pointing out that a while ago we did a thing on Instagram, what everyone's scents were. I've actually changed my scent since then. What was Ben's?

Speaker E 0:42:45 Yeah, I changed mine. That's Prada. I did that because it was—

William 0:42:49 The Devil Wears.

Jordan 0:42:50 Is mine on there? What was mine at the time, please, Jack?

Speaker S 0:42:53 Maison Margiela Jazz Club.

Jordan 0:42:56 Yep, that's still me.

William 0:42:57 Maison— what a gay scent.

Jordan 0:43:01 Maison— what is it called? Jazz Club, I always get. Jazz Club.

William 0:43:06 That jazz. Oh, you're coming to see me again, aren't you? Am I? I believe, in December.

Jordan 0:43:13 Am I?

William 0:43:14 Apparently.

Jordan 0:43:15 Oh, am I?

William 0:43:16 Yeah.

Jordan 0:43:17 Oh, great.

William 0:43:17 I've been told.

Jordan 0:43:18 Oh, has that been— oh, I don't know. Yeah, it's been booked.

William 0:43:21 Yeah.

Jordan 0:43:21 Do you know, I'm going to see—

William 0:43:23 You know, I've cut the joke about you. I'm sorry.

Jordan 0:43:26 Oh no, put it in for when I'm there.

William 0:43:28 Okay, fine.

Jordan 0:43:28 All right. Yeah, I'm meant to be going— I've told you this. Have I told you this?

William 0:43:34 What?

Jordan 0:43:34 I'm playing, um, Don't laugh.

William 0:43:38 Are you in panto?

Jordan 0:43:39 No, we're playing Millwall away. Right. Got them all coming down, our layover.

William 0:43:44 Oh, Burnley playing, so, because Millwall's London, yes?

Jordan 0:43:47 Yeah.

William 0:43:48 Okay.

Jordan 0:43:48 Burnley playing Millwall away, Ben. Yeah. I've got all my brothers coming down, I'll be at Millwall.

William 0:43:52 God.

Jordan 0:43:53 Yeah, I can't go. I'm going to a matinee of Pride the Musical. I'm still not told, am I? You'll have a better time. I haven't got heart to tell. It's my— one of my favourite films, Pride.

William 0:44:09 Yeah, Mikey saw the film, uh, sorry, the, um, musical, said it was very good.

Jordan 0:44:12 Yeah, but it's one of my favourite films.

William 0:44:16 Well, let's hope you like the musical.

Jordan 0:44:17 So, 2 of my friends have bought me tickets for the matinee. I'm like, fuck.

William 0:44:21 For a matinee?

Jordan 0:44:21 Yeah.

William 0:44:23 For a matinee.

Jordan 0:44:24 But if you've— Gene Deebes, if you've never seen Pride the film, watch it. It's— Oh, it's incredible. It's, uh, it's, it's one of my dad's One of my dad's favourite films as well.

William 0:44:33 Imelda Thompson, isn't it?

Jordan 0:44:34 Yeah, it's a— it's basically, long story cut short, before we go back onto it, it's about the, the miners' strike and then, um, the, these gays from London that come up to this little village in Cardiff to help raise money for the miners that haven't— it's, it's a beautiful film. It's amazing. Anyway, it's fantastic.

William 0:44:50 I actually haven't seen it.

Jordan 0:44:52 Have you not?

William 0:44:53 Nope.

Jordan 0:44:53 Oh, we'll do a night at mine because it's, it's, it's— Clear my diary. It's amazing. It makes me cry every time. Where are my gays? Where are my gays? Stuart, tell me you've seen it. I haven't seen it. Oh my God, as a Welshman, it's a beaut. Joe, put Pride up on thing carousel.

Speaker E 0:45:11 How many— how long is our film sort of— oh, it's night gonna be at Jordan's. We've got to do the documentary.

Jordan 0:45:18 Where are my gays? Where are my gays? My gays are here. It's so funny. Go on anyway.

William 0:45:22 Right, this is from Matt. Hi William and Jordan, what do you think is the acceptable age of a profile picture on a dating app? I know someone who has pictures of him from 2006. He denied it being that old, but behind him was a poster explaining the introduction of chip and PIN. Matt.

Jordan 0:45:36 Yeah, I think— Yeah, that—

William 0:45:39 one year.

Jordan 0:45:40 Oh, I think 3.

William 0:45:41 No! Well, if you have—

Jordan 0:45:43 This is a great question.

William 0:45:44 If you look exactly the same, you've moisturised, you've put spuff on your face, you've had Botox, whatever, potentially. I would say a year.

Jordan 0:45:55 Let's do a poll.

William 0:45:56 Jo! Oh, poor Jo. She's gonna work over to putting extra hours. Let's do a poll on Instagram.

Jordan 0:45:59 This is a really good question.

William 0:46:02 1 year tops. Maybe 14 months.

Jordan 0:46:04 So, I need to change my WhatsApp picture, 'cause that's about 4 years old.

William 0:46:07 And if you've got a picture of you in sunglasses, it should not be picture 1. It should be like picture 5.

Jordan 0:46:12 Right.

William 0:46:13 We wanna see your eyes.

Jordan 0:46:14 This is a great question. See, I'd say 2 to 3 years. But yeah, 1 year. None of your—

William 0:46:20 none of you and friends.

Jordan 0:46:21 Okay.

William 0:46:21 None of you are a celebrity. It's dull. It's tragic.

Jordan 0:46:24 I'm gonna go 3 years max, but my WhatsApp picture I've not changed for years. Well, that's fine because it's not—

William 0:46:30 you're not using your WhatsApp as a dating service.

Jordan 0:46:31 I need to change my Insta picture as well.

William 0:46:33 You do.

Jordan 0:46:34 I do.

William 0:46:35 That's a few years. Yeah, I need to change that as well.

Jordan 0:46:38 Right, I'm, I'm gonna say 3 years max. No, if it's dating, you're right. 18 months. I'll go halfway.

Speaker E 0:46:48 Ben? How old is Martin?

William 0:46:49 No, no, no.

Jordan 0:46:50 Well, I hope you haven't got a dating profile pic. What?

Speaker E 0:46:54 No, I don't.

Jordan 0:46:54 How old, how old do you think? Not anymore. What's the longest you can— a year?

Speaker E 0:46:59 No, because I think like the reality is like, like a lot of people don't get that many photos of themselves. And some, like, not everyone can just like pay a photographer to get like nice photos of themselves, can they, William? Great. Like every year. It's not, it's not, that's not accessible. I think it's like, like the reality is yes, it's going to be pictures with your mates, it's going to be like random, like maybe a cheeky selfie.

Speaker K 0:47:22 Sorry, William.

Jordan 0:47:23 It's a tough one. We'll put that out.

Speaker E 0:47:25 I think 5 years. Yeah, but no, okay, crucially, let's like, we can't do the full maths here, but like—

William 0:47:31 You looked very different 5 years ago. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

Jordan 0:47:34 He looks exactly—

William 0:47:34 You've gone through about 17 different hairstyles. Yeah, he looks the same. He's not aged that That was you 3 years ago, love.

Speaker E 0:47:41 I had a moustache.

Jordan 0:47:42 Let's have a look.

Speaker E 0:47:42 Did you have a moustache? The listeners can't see my moustache. Thank you, Bruce. You holding up a frame.

Jordan 0:47:47 Why am I got a moustache on?

Speaker E 0:47:49 I think it's dependent on how old you are as well, because obviously if you're 21, you're not going to have a picture on your profile of you when you were 17. I know people who do.

Jordan 0:47:58 Okay. Anyway, well, do you know what? We'll put it out as a poll and we'll come back to it on a Friday episode. But it's a great question. But yeah, one from 2006, Tekken piss. It's like that scene from The Office where she turns up and goes, office.

William 0:48:13 This is from Jenna. Hello to the Sex Ed crew. I've listened to the podcast since the beginning, and I finally have a dilemma. My neighbour is an elderly lady who lives by herself, and I'm a 25-year-old female. In my neighbour's front and back garden, she has a lot of bird feeders and birdbaths, so there are plenty of pigeons shitting about. Now the problem is that I have a phobia of birds. Ever since I had a traumatic experience at the age of 4 on holiday in Benidorm. My dad sprinkled bird seeds around my pram and I got flocked by birds, so I freaked out. Every time I go to the front or back door, my heart falls through my arse as I hear the birds flapping on the fence to fly away. So my question is, can I do anything about this? Do I tell her to take my phobia into consideration and not attract birds, or do I have to get therapy? Yours sincerely, Jenna from Leeds. Marching on together.

Jordan 0:48:58 Leeds fans. It's a tough one. Therapy's expensive. It's also, are you in the right—

William 0:49:05 You could get one of those sort of animatronic-y, sort of like big, bigger birds, plasticky ones that could sit out near you that other birds would be scared of.

Jordan 0:49:15 See, now that's how your mind works. I was gonna say you could get a shotgun licence.

William 0:49:21 Yeah, I think that's a bit much.

Jordan 0:49:23 Just go out back and go, there's a new sheriff in town! Put a Marlboro Light in your mouth as well, something apart, and just go And just like set off a few warning shots. But yeah, you can get one of them. And can't you get— there's like, isn't there one of those noisers that keeps birds away as well?

William 0:49:39 Possibly.

Jordan 0:49:40 Like a little— it's like a beeping that keeps deer away and stuff.

William 0:49:44 I think, okay, I don't think you can do anything about your neighbour's back garden, but you could, because the front garden, and obviously you're exiting through your front garden, you could just say, look, I don't know what your relations are like with the elderly neighbour next door, but you could say, this is the sitch. I'm a bit scared. Could we mind— would you mind reducing the number of bird feeders and baths in the front? It's up to them. They can say no, it's their house, they can do what they like, unless it's a shared front garden.

Jordan 0:50:10 Now, if this was me and it was snakes, I'd know exactly what you were. I'd shit myself. I probably would get therapy. But even then, I don't think I'd ever get over snakes. I was in a coffin full of them once and—

William 0:50:19 And you're not over them.

Jordan 0:50:20 I'm probably worse. So, I don't like— yeah.

Speaker E 0:50:23 How, um, William, how do you keep the birds away?

William 0:50:25 Just by opening my mouth. They get the idea.

Jordan 0:50:29 Hear me out. What would you do if your neighbour had a load of rats?

William 0:50:32 Oh, go. Move.

Jordan 0:50:34 Exactly. So, probably therapy. Yeah. Because if it was me, if I opened my back garden and next door had a load of snakes in, I would shit myself.

William 0:50:44 Yeah.

Jordan 0:50:45 Yeah, exactly. So, maybe therapy is the question, but trying— I think there is like a little sound you can get.

William 0:50:51 Yeah, some sort of bird deterrent.

Jordan 0:50:53 Yeah, you can get bird deterrents, so you know they'll never come in yours. And then, yeah, and then if they stop coming, don't tell her.

William 0:50:58 No.

Jordan 0:50:59 And then let her knock on your door and say, I believe you've got a bird deterrent. And apparently bird feeds now just attract rats.

William 0:51:05 Yes. Yeah, they can do.

Jordan 0:51:07 So, no one wants rats.

William 0:51:09 This is from Anonymous. Hi, Jordan, William, and the Sex Ed team. I find myself facing a delicate dilemma. We recently went away and graciously allowed my friend's 18-year-old daughter and her boyfriend to house-sit. Upon our return, I opened my bedside drawer to find they had left behind 2 souvenirs: a bottle of lube and a bottle of sex toy cleaner. Fortunately, the primary apparatus was nowhere to be found.

Jordan 0:51:28 Sorry, you can get sex toy cleaner? Hmm. Okay.

William 0:51:33 Yeah.

Jordan 0:51:34 So you can't just use wet wipes?

Speaker E 0:51:41 Jordan's adding it to his wish list.

Jordan 0:51:44 You can get actual sex toy cleaner?

William 0:51:46 Yeah, I mean, I think that's a little bit Emperor's New Clothes. You could probably just use Fairy Liquid. Or the dishwasher.

Jordan 0:51:52 A sex toy cleaner? I genuinely never heard of that.

William 0:51:55 Rather than mortify a shy teenager with direct confrontation, I devised a covert retrieval operation. 2 weeks later, I booked her to babysit, intentionally leaving the drawer accessible so she could quietly reclaim her intimate sanitation supplies with her dignity intact. When we returned from our night out, I eagerly checked the drawer. The products remained. Unclaimed, staring back at me. What's the correct protocol here? Do I discreetly slip them in her coat pocket next time she's over?

Jordan 0:52:20 Bin 'em! Just bin 'em!

William 0:52:21 Post them back via special delivery with a polite compliment slip, or quietly bin them and pretend this biological warfare on my bedside table never occurred? Keep up the fantastic work, Anonymous.

Jordan 0:52:30 Bin 'em! Bin them. What was it? Sex toy cleaner and—

William 0:52:35 Lube.

Jordan 0:52:35 Lube. Yeah.

William 0:52:36 Lube, keep it for yourself. Sex toy cleaner, well, again, you can keep that for yourself. They've left them at your house and they haven't collected them. Or you just— we've all got urges, we've all got drives, we've all got juices. You just go, I think you left these. That's all you need to do.

Jordan 0:52:50 Sorry, we've all got juices?

William 0:52:53 It's a Dame Ethel line. But yeah, you just hand it over.

Jordan 0:52:56 No, bin 'em.

William 0:52:57 No, that's not your property.

Jordan 0:52:59 Also, are you sure they were— that means they've had sex in her bed.

William 0:53:02 Yeah, I mean, there's a lot to that. There's a lot of issues there, isn't there?

Jordan 0:53:06 Yeah. Have you ever watched the episode of My Wife and Kids? Most underrated sitcom ever.

William 0:53:10 No.

Jordan 0:53:11 Did you ever watch it?

William 0:53:12 No.

Jordan 0:53:12 And Junior has sex with his girlfriend in the bed and he gets thrown out the house and the dad changes the bed with, um, tongs, you know, pincers.

William 0:53:19 Yeah.

Jordan 0:53:19 It's funny.

William 0:53:19 Sounds strange. Did you ever watch My Wife and Kids?

Jordan 0:53:22 No. That was the funniest. Did any of you? Uh, nah. No, you don't.

William 0:53:32 Absolutely hilarious.

Jordan 0:53:33 It was so good.

William 0:53:34 Okay, well, I'll give it a watch.

Jordan 0:53:36 I always say now, I have to say, I feel good about myself. It's so good.

William 0:53:39 Good.

Jordan 0:53:40 It's about this family in America. It's great.

William 0:53:43 Thank you for your questions and dilemmas, June Davis.

Jordan 0:53:44 Is that it?

William 0:53:45 That is it.

Jordan 0:53:46 It was on Trouble, if you remember that.

William 0:53:48 Sounds like, sounds like it's trouble.

Jordan 0:53:50 Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, or join us tomorrow for an exclusive Help I Sexed My Boss Out of Office episode over on Patreon. We will see you on— what day are we on?

William 0:54:00 We're on Tuesday. We'll see you on Friday.

Jordan 0:54:01 We'll see you on Friday.

William 0:54:03 Goodbye.

Jordan 0:54:03 Bye-bye.